A few HVAC jokes and humorous things:
A skydiver is plummeting toward the ground and passes a man on his way up from the ground. He yells:
“Do you know how to open a parachute?”
The person going up yells:
“No! Do you know how to light a pilot?”
“Delayed ignition” is the term used to describe the mini-explosion that occurs when it takes too long for the pilot or igniter to ignite the gas. The math formula for calculating the outcome is:
How many seconds the gas builds up in the chamber before igniting compared to how big the technician’s eyes get while waiting for it to ignite.
Fear of encountering snakes while crawling through the crawlspace under the house to get to the crawlspace furnace:
“A reptile dysfunction.”
HVAC tech to homeowner:
“Your furnace has a few problems. But things could be a lot worse.”
Somewhat, relieved, the homeowner replies: “Oh, that’s good news.”
“I know. It could be my furnace instead of yours.”
A bird in the hand is better than one stuck in the flue pipe.
Your credibility might be shot if:
You show up with your eyebrows burnt off.
Halfway through the call, you realize you’re at the wrong address.
You open your sliding truck door and it falls off in the customer’s driveway.
An elderly woman is looking out her window, watching a crew of gas men working. The gas men are just finishing up their job and the younger ones challenge the older ones to a foot-race back to the truck. As they near the truck, they see the elderly lady running behind them. She tells them:
“When I see gas men running like that I know it’s time to get out!”
A customer’s new, computerized furnace stops working. But each time the technician shows up, it works flawlessly.
The exasperated technician tells the customer:
“I had a car just like that. Every time I drove it past the junk yard, it ran just fine”.
The best air conditioning man in the world died and went to hell. Satan thought he’d have some fun with him and gave him the impossible job of cooling off the temperature in Satan’s huge office. To Satan’s amazement, he finished the job very quickly. So Satan sent him out to drop the temperature in the rest of hell, and amazingly he got the temperature to drop a few degrees in the rest of hell – just enough to where the inhabitants of hell didn’t mind going there quite as much. One day the phone rang and St. Peter told Satan that there had been a clerical mistake and the AC man belonged in heaven. He’d been sent to hell by mistake, and must be sent back to heaven immediately. Satan refused, explaining that the man was starting to make hell a bit more comfy. St. Peter finally threatened to sue Satan if he didn’t send the man to heaven.
Satan replied: “Where are you going to find a lawyer up there?”
Why are computers like air conditioners?
They quit working properly when you open Windows.
She calls me when she’s hot
She calls me for no cause
She called me until I told her
The problem was menopause
“So you want to exchange this 5 ton rooftop AC unit for a smaller one?”
“We just need your name and the reason”.
Why did the 3 little pigs have to buy an electric furnace instead of a gas furnace?
The neighbors didn’t want to be near a swine flue.
Why did the customer fire the insulation company?
They told him they were putting batts in his walls.
What goes from 0 to 38 MPH in 1 second?
A mouse in a 12” diameter, 1075 RPM furnace blower wheel.
Chrysler used to make furnaces decades ago. Some are still in use.
Ford quit making the Pinto because it only lit one time.
Why did Burt Reynolds have his return air grille moved from the ceiling to the floor?
His toupee kept getting sucked up into it.
Why did the AC tech run toward the AC?
He was charging it.
Why did the AC man purge the refrigerant?
He was bulimic.
Why did the AC man cross the road?
He opened the AC and found a wasp’s nest in it.
Why don’t Chinese air conditioners contain lead?
Because they’re too big to fit in your mouth.
What’s the difference between a pipe fitting and a customer without heat?
A pipe nipple remains the same length.
Why is a drunken fortune teller like an AC?
Both are called “high SEER”.
How many legs does a furnace technician have?
It depends on how many spiders there are in the crawl space.
Why wouldn’t the AC cool the house?
The thermostat had one too many setbacks.
Why did the AC compressor sweat?
Because it had to run all day.
Why did the school get rid of the furnace?
It was caught smoking in the bathroom.
Why did the HVAC tech have licenses in different states?
He heard that Freon changes states.
Why did the AC trainee buy a box of Exlax?
He was told to evacuate the system.
What was the bird arrested for when he hopped out of the flue pipe?
What did the 5 ton, 25 SEER AC say to the owner after he put a cover over it?
“Does this cover make me look fat?”
How do you convert an air-source heat pump to a ground-source heat pump?
Install it in quicksand.
Customer: “My furnace makes a loud noise once in a while and I smell something funny.
Technician: “Sounds like it’s getting gas”.
Technician: “The good news is that a tornado didn’t take your 50 year old air conditioner away.
And that’s also the bad news.”
Technician: “Your outside unit’s in pretty bad shape and your dog has been pottying on it.”
Customer: “So I should train him not to do that?”
Technician: “No, just tell him that it’s redundant.”
Technician: “Your new dog appears to have an electrolyte deficiency.
He keeps biting the wiring to the outside unit.”
Technician: “How long has the AC not been working?”
Customer: “2 weeks”.
Technician: “Why did you wait 2 weeks to have it fixed?”
Customer: “My in-laws were here. They were planning to stay for a month.”
Technician: (holding his nose) “You only have one return air grill in your house”.
Customer: “Is that a bad thing?”
Technician: “It wouldn’t be as bad if you moved the litter box away from it.”
Customer: “What brand is my furnace?”
Technician: “It’s an old Buster Brown – It’s brown on the top and busted on the bottom.”
Customer: “Why is it taking so long to fix my AC?”
Technician: “I had to park a block away and needed parts from the truck.”
Customer: “It shouldn’t have taken that long.”
Technician: “It wouldn’t have if your dog hadn’t been attached to my leg.”
The customer watched as the AC man lifted the hatch and poked his head up into the attic.
“What do you see?” asked the customer.
“Satan – dead of a heat stroke”.
Customer: “What are you doing?”
AC tech: “I’m charging the system.”
Customer: “So I don’t have to pay?”
Customer sticks his head out the back door and says: “Did you find the problem yet?”
The AC tech looks down at the dog on his leg and says: “No but I’m getting a hunch.”
The overhead heater manufacturing company’s sales were terrible. The owner hired an ad agency to determine why.
The ad man recommended that they change the company name to something other than the owner’s name. The owner asked him why, and he responded:
“Well, it’s a long story, Mr. Hindenburg.”
Customer: “How much does a ground-source heat pump cost to have installed?”
Salesman: “That depends on whether or not they strike oil when they excavate.”
Why did the repairman bring a bottle of syrup with him?
The unit had a pancake compressor.
Wife: “Why did they send out a midget AC repairman?”
Husband: “They didn’t. Tuffy’s been digging holes in the yard again.”
The AC tech injected a red dye into the Freon system to find an ongoing leak.
A month later the customer called and said:
“You’d better come by. I think its time of the month is here.”
The AC tech came back in from the outside unit with his face swollen from bee stings and said:
“I think I’ve located the source of that buzzing noise”.
Why did the setback thermostat in the church keep shorting out?
Every time it changed temperature settings, the priest threw holy water on it.
Customer: “I’m buying my parents a new AC. They want the loudest one you have.”
Customer: “They’re deaf and they hate the neighbors”.
Husband: “Your honor, my wife has made my life a living hell.”
Judge: “How did she do that?”
Husband: “She turned the thermostat up to 90!”
AC tech: “You have 2 identical AC units. The left one has a bad compressor and the right one only has a bad fan motor.
I can take the fan motor out of the left one and put it in the right one. So you’ll at least have one working unit.”
Undertaker customer: “That’s quite helpful of you, but I don’t think we have a completed organ donor card for the left one.”
Customer service: “You’ve been here every week in the last few months returning the same setback thermostat model. Did you read the installation instructions?”
Customer: “Yes, I read the instructions. It’s guaranteed for a year and it’s a 7 day thermostat.”
There’s a new thermostat that prevents unauthorized persons from changing the temperature settings.
You have to enter an access code to change the settings.
After 3 incorrect entries, it fires a taser.
They now have talking thermostats. One model says:
“Not until you change the air filter”.
The Husband model says:
“I’ll get around to it later”.
The Wife model says:
“Not now. I have a headache”.
The Police model says:
“STEP AWAY FROM THE THERMOSTAT”
The Psychiatrist model says:
“How long have you had the urge to keep changing the temperature?”
The new sign language thermostat for blind and deaf people has been recalled after several assaults were reported when the thermostat mistakenly thought the users were making an obscene gesture.
Why did the tech divorce his 6’ tall, 100 pound wife after 1 week?
He discovered he couldn’t condenser.
Customer: “It’s been a long time since I’ve had the AC serviced”.
Tech: “Yes, I could tell. The fur from your black Labs had been in the condenser so long, it turned gray.”
What’s big and fuzzy and uses a lot of electricity?
An air conditioner next to a dryer vent.
Furnace technician after removing several cubic feet of brown fur from the return duct:
“Do you have a big family, Mr. Baer?”
AC technician after seeing the AC condenser flattened by baseballs:
“It looks like you need a replacement catcher”.
Why was the fan blade arrested?
It was hitting on the shroud.
Why were there red polka-dots all over the back of the house?
The house painter sat on the AC fan and got behind in his work.
What kind of makeup do furnace technicians use a lot of?
Why did it take so long for the furnace part to arrive?
It was a very slow moving part.
Son: “Daddy, a piece of metal just popped out of the AC installer’s skin and landed on the attic floor.”
Father: “It’s okay son. He just finished sweating a fitting”.
Leroy’s parole officer O’Malley dropped by his house to see how his cocaine rehab was coming along.
O’Malley: “The last time I was here, there was like a cloud of white dust floating in the air. Now it’s clean as a whistle in here”.
Leroy: “Mmm um muh”.
O’Malley: “I can’t understand you. Could you take your face out of that old furnace filter?”.
Why were the indecent exposure charges dropped against the air conditioner?
Witnesses testified that it had been stripped by copper thieves.
Engineer to AC technician: “Son, you don’t have to talk down to me. I have a Master’s in mechanical engineering and 30 years experience. Now what was the problem?”
Technician: “You had the thermostat switch set for heat, sir”.
Woman customer: “Thank you for removing your shoes before coming in from the back yard as I requested. Are you all finished?”
AC technician: “Yes Ma’am.”
Woman: “But where are your shoes?”.
Technician: “Your dogs have them.”
The senior technician is sent to repair a rooftop unit with the newly hired trainee. They go up on the roof and a conversation begins:
Sr. tech: “You’re a bit older than most of the trainees we get. What did you do before this?”
Trainee: “Well, actually nothing. I’ve been in prison for the last 10 years”.
Sr. tech: “For what?”
Trainee: “Oh, I pushed a co-worker out of a window”.
Used car salesman customer: “Well, I’m certain that my old furnace is still worth a lot of money. But you aren’t giving me anything for it in trade. You could make a lot of money off that unit. Why you’re just stealing it without giving a trade-in.”
The furnace man looks at the gigantic old furnace and the steep stairs going up out of the basement and says:
“You’re right. Those old models are really priceless. If you promise not to tell anybody, I’ll give you $25 to keep it.”
Layman’s HVAC glossary of terminology
Absolute humidity: Like a sauna.
Adiabatic: One who must avoid sweets.
Accumulator: A packrat.
AFUE: The number of furnaces tested at the factory.
Air conditioner pad: AC incontinence protection.
Air grill: A convection oven.
Air handler: A slave who fans the queen.
Air source heat pump: A hair dryer.
Air velocity pressure probe: A dog with his head out the car window.
Back pressure: Sensation felt while installing a 25 SEER AC unit.
Balance point: One drink short of failing field sobriety test.
Bearing: North or south.
Bimetal: What we do at the sheet metal supply house.
Blower door testing: Kicking the furnace panels.
Brazing: Cooking a burger.
Breaker: Demolition man.
BTU: (British Thermal Unit) Queen Elizabeth’s insulated tea carafe.
Calorimeter: A device used by adiabatic.
Capacitor: Used to determine a technician’s capacity for electrical shock.
Capillary: A hat belonging to Larry.
Change of state: Flee from Missouri to Kansas.
Charging cylinder: A fast approaching torpedo.
Charging gauges: Monthly credit card statements.
Chiller: A scary movie.
Chimney flue: What happened during a tornado.
Closed loop: A know-it-all.
Coefficient of expansion: Factor for determining the girth gained during menopause.
Cold air return: Santa’s annual trip back to the North Pole. (Also a suitable dwelling for elves.)
Contactor: A telephone.
Counter flow: Liquids spilled in the kitchen.
Cross charged: Used somebody else’s credit card.
Current relay: The race now being run.
Cut-in: To butt into line ahead of others.
Cut-out: Leave before the cops arrive.
Cylinder head: An oddly shaped cranium.
Dalton’s Law: Gang warfare.
Damper: Wetter than usual.
Degree day: Graduation.
Deice control: De one labeled “ice” in a Jamaican hotel ice machine.
Delayed ignition: Postponed NASA flight.
Design pressure: An inventor’s stress to produce.
Design temperature: Typically 98.6 degrees.
Dew point: On the tops of the blades of grass.
Dilution air: Open windows.
Discharge line: Residue on your sleeve if you don’t have a Kleenex.
Draft diverter: A flue pipe that empties into the attic after the roofers forgot to reattach it.
Draft gauge: Beer level monitor.
Dry bulb: Waterproof flashlight.
Dual fuel: A plate of beans and a quart of coffee.
Ductulator: Past tense: “I avoided you after you installed the new AC, because I didn’t have the money.”
Duct collar: A device used by hunters to summon their prey.
Economizer: A very frugal person.
EER: Auditory appendage lost while listening to the fan blade.
Electronic leak detector: Alerts you when to change the diaper.
Electrostatic filter: Device for eliminating radio interference.
Error code: Erroneous furnace code displayed to technician by deranged furnace control board.
Evaporator: One who vanishes into thin air when there’s work to be done.
Expansion valve: An improperly winterized water hydrant.
External equalizer: An unconcealed handgun.
Female thread: A forum topic of interest to women.
Fin comb: A device for grooming fish.
Fire damper: Water.
Flare: Placed behind a broken down 18-wheeler at night.
Flow through humidifier: A humidifier with the guts removed.
Freon: A misnomer, i.e. something which is never free on your bill.
Frost back: A drunk lying in the yard during an ice-storm.
Gas control valve: A sphincter.
Geothermal: A Geo Metro with no AC.
Gravity furnace: A furnace that weighs a ton.
Ground source heat pump: A volcano.
Ground wire: An electrical conductor caught in a grinder.
Head pressure: A migraine.
Heat anticipator: A weather forecaster.
Heat exchanger: A Jalapeno pepper.
High limit: Legal blood-alcohol level.
High static: Bad reception.
Hot surface igniter: Charcoal lighter.
Hot wire: Alternative to vehicle leasing.
Humidistat: A wet hemostat.
Ice machine: An air conditioner with a frozen coil.
Intermittent ignition: Works only when observed.
Latent heat: Hot flashes arriving later in life.
Load calculation: Test done at the highway patrol truck weighing station.
LP gas: Digestive disorder of nurses.
Manometer: Device used by women to find and evaluate a potential mate.
Mass flow rate: The number of people per minute entering or exiting a church.
Mercury bulb: Headlight for a Ford product.
Mini Split: Why Mickey Mouse is still single.
Megohm: The sister of German physicist Georg Simon Ohm.
Natural gas: Result of a natural food diet.
Normally closed: The parts house when you need something.
Normally open: Mother-in-law’s mouth.
Outside unit: An outwardly protruding navel.
Passive media: News for wimps.
Pillow block: An evasive maneuver used during a pillow fight.
Pilot orifice: An aviator’s pierced ear.
Pipe nipple: A hook for holding a smoker’s pipe – Works best when both are cold.
Pipe union: A labor organization.
Pocket thermometer: Determines the temperature in your pocket.
Polyester oil: Anti aging formula used by Polly Esther.
Portable AC: An outside unit in the inner city.
Primary air: The main inheritor.
Psych chart: Medical history posted on clipboard attached to mental patient’s bed.
Recovery cylinder: An iron lung.
Refrigerant: A small insect in the refrigerator.
Secondary air: Beneficiary of the primary air.
SEER ratings: Reviews of psychics.
Sensible heat: The temperature in a normal person’s house.
Setback stat: A failure analysis component.
Shaft play: A theatrical event starring Richard Roundtree.
Sheet metal: Coins that fall out of your pockets when you go to bed drunk.
Short to ground: A dwarf.
Sling psychrometer: Test instrument dropped into a blower wheel.
Solenoid: A solemn humanoid.
Specific gravity: The seriousness of a crime as determined by a judge.
Split system: An outside unit struck by an axe.
Squirrel cage: Ferris wheel ride for rodents.
Standing pilot: An aviator who quit drinking.
Static pressure: Stress from critics.
Sub-cooling: Air conditioning system for a submersible ship.
Suction line: An arrow drawn on a patient prior to liposuction.
Superheat: Radiant emission from Superman’s eyes.
System purge: Act performed in the all-you-can-eat buffet bathroom to get your money’s worth.
Thermal mass: Religious ceremony in a church with a broken air conditioner.
Thermocouple: Two very hot people.
Thumb gum: Destination of spearmint just prior to being placed on underside of table.
Transition: A halfway house.
Tubing bender: Forklift operator at the AC warehouse.
Turning vane: Becoming conceited.
Vapor barrier: A diaper.
Vacuum pump: A woman’s shoe caught in the sweeper.
Variable air volume control: An electric car window.
Water source heat pump: Hot water tap.
Wet bulb: A flashlight dropped in the lake.
Window AC: A high voltage theft deterrent device in a jewelry store window.
Poems and limericks
We heard our furnace man Seth
Mutter curses under his breath
And my husband Hank
Heard him call it a “blank”
And threaten it with death
To fix our furnace he came
He had a French sounding name
He said “sacre bleu”
“I truly love you”
And explained it was an old flame
Is it hot enough for you
They asked the AC man Hugh
Who said I’m thinking
My comfort’s shrinking
But my wallet’s expanding too
This is not a hot water heater
The tech informed Mr. Reeder
If the water was hot
Then you would not
Need this thing to be there
This overabundance of heat
I feel when crossing the street
On this sweltering day
Prompted me to say
It’s as hot as a Hindu’s feet
The laws of Physics mandate
That cold air will flow from this grate
But that won’t happen
If the blower is nappin
And folks will become irate
I did a home inspection
Down by the next intersection
I told the sellers
They’d used the wrong fellers
To wire the electric connection
My outside unit’s brand new
But my inside coil’s 32
To my dismay
It runs all day
For I should have replaced the coil too
The drunk turned the thermostat dial
And it ran for a very long while
It got so hot
The pickled sot
Scorched his feet on the tile
Your filter’s a very odd size
Said the furnace man Mr. Frize
They’re hard to come by
And that’s just why
The folks who did this are wise
As the battle over the stat
Continued with Mary and Matt
She beat him with mops
So he called the cops
And picked up his flattened hat
I see on my lawn over there
A bare spot perfectly square
But now I see
What’s missing is the
Unit for my central air
He lit up his brand new torch
Out on the lady’s front porch
The flame came out wrong
It was far too long
And it left a really big scorch
If you switch part A with part B
And they don’t match identically
You can get into trouble
And might see a bubble
And it might be time to flee
How much duct can you tuck in a truck
And be able to pluck a tucked duct
I’ve had no luck for my duct tucking sucks
And bent up ducts cost me bucks
The tornado dropped down from the sky
My old AC did fly
It fell to the ground
With no-one around
At a junkyard located nearby
The heater was running hot
But it was only hot in one spot
So the clever young fellows
And didn’t mind it a lot
A 90 year old bloke in a cloak
Didn’t care that the AC was broke
He liked it quite hot
And more often than not
When he walked he left trails of smoke
Mr. Olson loved to fight
Over the repair bill all night
When he got something free
He’d giggle with glee
And dance a jig of delight
Do you think you can repair
My ancient central air?
If it just needs a fan
Then maybe I can
If they still make a fan so rare
The furnace came to a stop
Then the temperature started to drop
The house got so chilly
The goldfish named Willie
Is now being used for a prop
The Chihuahua went after the AC tech
Who grabbed him by the scruff of his neck
And said listen here
I’ll bite off your ear
If you don’t show a little respect
The furnace asked the AC
What it did when it had to pee
I go on the ground
When no-one’s around
And hope nobody will see
Where’s the thermostat at?
Asked the man in the HVAC hat
Second door down the hall
In the bathroom stall
Said the maintenance man who installed that
2 tons of cooling is needed
If the occupancy isn’t exceeded
But you’ll need more
If you don’t close the door
Or tempers start to get heated
If you don’t come quick I will die
It’s so hot in here I could fry
I took your advice
And sat on some ice
But it melted in the blink of an eye
An AC man in crawl space
Encountered a snake face to face
They looked at each other
Both yelled for their mother
And scurried away in haste
The AC men from Gower
Waited for Mrs. Bauer
But they didn’t fret
That she hadn’t shown yet
Because they charge by the hour
The tech cut his hand on the duct
And started to yell “Oh ____!”
But a lady was there
So he didn’t swear
He just bled and said “Oh shucks”.
There was an old tech from Decatur
Who looked like an alligator
He retired to the Glades
Where he currently wades
And plays with his ductulator
Get out - get out of my house
Said the furnace to the mouse
If you don’t get out
I’ll burn your snout
And singe your bushy eyebrows
I can’t afford that said Leo
The wealthy old CEO
He asked in a shout
“Can’t you bail me out?”
To the HVAC man in Rio.
I’m sorry Mr. McGirty
But you’re 14 times past 30
I’ll fix the AC
But you must pay me
Before I get my hands dirty
The flame sensor said to the flame
It’s all your fault you’re to blame
You failed to light
During the night
But I’ll be accused just the same
We’ll nap til 1:42
Then we’ll fly back out of the flue
Said the blue jay to his mate
But they both woke up late
And both had turned black and blue
The hack came back every day
Our hearts were filled with dismay
Then the furnace went boom
When the gas filled the room
And the hack blew away to L.A.
The AC man McGuire
Decided to retire
He went someplace where
The weather was fair
And he no longer had to perspire
I think I’ll go shopping with Jill
At the air conditioned mall down the hill
The temp isn’t dropping
And I can’t watch home shopping
Til I pay the electric bill
Is it hot or is it just me
Asked Satan of his favorite three
It’s safe to say
You made it that way
Said the one with the law degree
My “Smart Furnace” started to speak
It didn’t shut up for a week
I kicked the side
“Stop that” it cried
And then it started to shriek
I want to go out back and play
But the AC man’s back there today
Last time he was here
I bit his rear
And he told them to keep me away
A spider got in the contactor
Said the air conditioner contractor
It couldn’t connect
Through the insect
But it really did compact her
I’m calling you to say
That my air flow is better today
It blows with such power
It took me an hour
To catch up with my toupee
The AC wasn’t tied down
It fell from the truck to the ground
On the midtown freeway
But the copper was never found
Come quick Santa’s caught in our flue
Cried the curly haired lad of two
His leg is broke
The young lad spoke
And my daddy is missing too
The furnace up in the attic
Is missing the schematic
It’s been rewired
By someone they hired
And their work was problematic
Don’t put your hand on the flue
Said the tech to Mr. Wu
Wu’s English was poor
And now he’s sure
To need a bandage or two
This is really ticking me off
Said the furnace man Mr. Hoff
Each time I arrive
It comes alive
But as soon as I leave it shuts off
His heating bills are free
So’s his electricity
But he does have debt
He hasn’t paid yet
His debt to society
A furnace man from Missouri
Sneaked back to his truck in a hurry
He’d been exposed
When the duct ripped his clothes
At the home of Mrs. Murray
A customer left me the key
To service her AC
But she didn’t disarm
The burglar alarm
Unfortunately for me
The rooftop AC they say
Still isn’t working said they
That just couldn’t be
But now I see
I fixed the wrong one yesterday
I have some help I don’t need
Said the furnace man Mr. Sneed
Your kids are yelling
Your dogs are smelling
My crotch and one of them’s peed
The litter box is usually
Near the furnace in front of me
They must like to share
The odors from there
With the furnace man’s olfactory
My title is PHD
Yet I don’t fix my own AC
I tried it before
And it cost me more
And it bit me electrically
He wrote with limited skill
As he filled out the furnace bill
I fix up you flues
Use metal screws
So flue gas no more spill
The wiring of handyman Mitch
Created an odd sort of glitch
When you walked up a flight
And turned off the light
It shut off the furnace switch
Don’t call me “Plumber Joe”
I don’t wear my pants that low
You might see my back
But I hide my crack
And use Freon instead of Drano
Her AC was such a wreck
Each month she wrote them a check
She hatched a plan
And brought home a man
Who by trade was as an AC tech
In the yard they did bore
A very large core
Geothermal you say?
Said Mr. Cray
I think that goes next door
I have some information
Regarding your insulation
The R, Mrs. Farr
Is far from par
So the AC gets no vacation
Be careful with your feet
He told the AC man Pete
If you track any poo
In on your shoe
My wife will paddle your seat
It was like the 4th of July
There was popping and sparks did fly
It didn’t go well for
When his AC started to fry
My furnace still whistles at me
I’m a widow of 93
So I told Dan
My furnace man
Don’t fix it – just leave it be
My furnace makes a sound
But not when the tech is around
He thinks I’m insane
But we both maintain
Something’s coming unwound
A crawl-space system wizard
Did a repair during a blizzard
But happy was he
For he didn’t see
Nary a single lizard
A heat pump with brains of three
Blew a fuse repeatedly
But none confessed
All passed the test
For they had 2 brains more than me
He studied HVAC
And earned his PHD
But he wasn’t hired
For no one required
A doctor to fix their AC
A furnace tech named Jay
Came out of the crawl space today
His head was bald
Back in he crawled
To fetch his missing toupee
Inside the icemaker grew
A hideous slimy goo
It looked like a large
With a dash of brown fondue
They painted their AC with stripes
They even painted the pipes
How lucky can I be
They’ll never see me
Said the prison escapee Snipes
The globe is warming up well
Life’s good and everything’s swell
I’ve packed up my things
To move to Hot Springs
Said Satan from down in hell
My HVAC site is online
I’m busy as a cat with twine
The phone rings all day
When I answer they say
Your business needs ads from mine
An AC man named DeClark
Was the fastest tech in Denmark
He came home at night
And turned out the light
And dozed off before it got dark
If you buy an AC from me
I’ll throw in a furnace free
And we know that you
Will love your new
An alien HVAC tech
Emerged from his UFO wreck
He touched an AC
Made it cool for free
So the power company broke his neck
His business of heating and air
Seemed to be going nowhere
So he sold all his Freon
Was no longer a peon
And now was a millionaire
My HVAC man is great
He’s never a minute late
He saves me money
He’s really a honey
But he never asks me for a date
An AC tech named Howell
Had breath that was terribly foul
He backed Mrs. Rouse
All over the house
Til she covered her nose with a towel
An Alaskan tech named Drew
Got the heater working like new
But he left the stat
On 90 and that
Caused it to melt the igloo
The tech told Mr. Klein
Your furnace is working just fine
When you turn it down
Your wife comes around
And moves it to 79
A flock of birds follows me
As I move from AC to AC
They aim for my ears
So I bought a sombrero you see
An AC tech named Quick
Did a lightning fast diagnostic
He hung up his gauges
And performs on stages
As a highly paid psychic
Back to the parts house I ran
To pick up the proper fan
This time I’ll wait
For the parts man Nate
Instead of the new trainee Dan
Twas a red hot 4th of July
I was busy as a spy with one eye
I told Mr. Gray
Twas not the best day
To practice his DIY
Jack ran all the stat wires in black
For colored wires he did lack
But he didn’t care
That colors weren’t there
For quite color blind was Jack
The fan goes ding ding ding
Said the buffet owner, Ching
When the tech looked in there
He said I declare
That rat took quite a beating
It’s so cold in here said O’Toole
My hiney froze to the stool
The furnace man Joe
Said sir did you know
Your thermostat’s set to cool
Back to back they walked 20 paces
Turned and fired at each other’s faces
Both shots missed
But 2 AC’s hissed
As gas spewed out of their cases
The undertaker honked in the drive
At the house of furnace man Clive
Clive said no way
Can’t do it today
I’m booked up til Friday at five
I got my AC for free
For they wrote to me recently
Dear Mr. Wren
We won’t ask again
For you to send the money
An astronaut named Peter
Walked in space and met Mr. Streeter
Who’d used an ember
To light his gas water heater
As a very old AC man
In a very old AC van
Repaired the AC
At the mortuary
They suggested a burial plan
He made her AC work for ages
She called him the sage of sages
One summer it died
And Mrs. Hyde
Assaulted him with his gauges
No resuscitation for me
I’ll go out with dignity
Tubes and wires
Are not my desires
Said the old and tired AC
The AC of Mr. Cabot
Developed a Freon habit
It needed its fix
Friday at 6
But Cabot said to rehab it
If it breaks down again Bob swore
It’s going out the door
The furnace man Ted
Said that’s what you said
What’s the forecast today
The AC man asked his wife May
Baseball size hail
Winds like a gale
It’s a honey-do day for you Ray
They called them Frick and Frack
For they had to keep coming back
Then Frack said to Frick
AC’s make me sick
Let’s go back to painting with Jack
The Heating Hall of Fame
Has no plaque that bears his name
But Mr. Eckerd
Holds the world record
For most hairs singed by a flame
He hooked the red to the white
The furnace clicked and did light
He went to bed
Woke up and said
I sweat like a pig last night
A DIY’s hesitation
Is an instinct of self preservation
Like Eastwood said
To the man who lay dead
A man’s got to know his limitations
A furnace board costing 311
Died to save a fuse costing 7
The courageous board
Received an award
Up in furnace board heaven
I don’t understand techno-speak
From the beak of a furnace geek
Go down and repair it
Said the irritable parrot
Before I freeze off my beak
My AC man Mr. Ridge
Gave me magnets for the fridge
But I couldn’t use them
For my husband Clem
Has a metal dental bridge
Is there someone down there with you
She asked the furnace man Lou
Ma’am it’s no discussion
I was just cussin’
She said yeah we cuss at it too
They heard the gas man say oops
None of them finished their soups
Out they fled
Then the gas man said
The oops meant I’d stepped in poops
The DEA searched the house twice
At the home of AC man Dice
Then out on the ground
Near the AC they found
Ten white nosed spaced out mice
This AC’s no smarter than me
Said the professor of HVAC
It won the first set
But it’s not over yet
I’ll show it my college degree
I’m sorry for our little tiffs
Said the AC to Mr. Griffs
Who drove as he said
Look what’s ahead
The Grand Canyon has some great cliffs
My AC goes klitter clatter
It used to go pitter patter
I told my son Paul
To stop playing ball
With the AC as the batter
An ice plant run by Peter
Used no power through the meter
The electric company
Caught him and he
Was put in a cell with no heater
He cursed at furnace tech Will
Who responded by raising the bill
As of late last night
No end was in sight
And the bill was at half a mil
Our gravity furnace quit perking
So we called the furnace man Dierking
He saw it and said
Call my grandpa Ed
He’ll fix it if his tools are still working
I shot an arrow in the air
It fell to Earth I know just where
It landed on
My neighbors lawn
After piercing his central air
As Vern watched the fan blade turn
The AC hypnotized Vern
We heard him cluck
As he left in his truck
But his words we couldn’t discern
Will this new AC cool me
If I live to 103
That it should do
And you came with no warranty
One of the fan blades was missing
And I heard the condenser hissing
If I can pull that
Rabbit from a hat
My rear someone should be kissing
The mechanical room at the mall
Had a blower 20 feet tall
As I opened the door
My hat did soar
And shot out of a vent down the hall
90 stickers were on the duct
No place there for mine to be stuck
But I didn’t care
For I was aware
That it brought the last 90 no luck
The AC repairman King
Hit a bump in his semi last spring
He had hundreds of carts
With thousands of parts
And now he can’t find a thing
The Freon your AC takes
Was banned last year said Rakes
Because they say
That out near L.A.
They were starting to have earthquakes
I’m here at 10:08
I showed up 8 minutes late
Said the AC man Vaughan
They’re already gone
But their pit bull decided to wait
There are smudges all over your shirt
Were you out playing in the dirt
No ma’am said Dan
The AC man
That’s chocolate pudding dessert
The furnace tech Sloppy Joe
Made a mess wherever he’d go
He spilled petroleum
On the linoleum
And put on a break dancing show
She told IAQ man Roan
I’m allergic to everything known
She listed dozens
Including her cousins
But obviously not to the phone
Our furnace man Mr. Dow
Asked our son how old he was now
Johnny said three
Then asked earnestly
Where Dow kept his other eyebrow
Why do I never lose
This Chinese wrench pondered Hughes
When I throw it away
It shows up the next day
To give my knuckles a bruise
The short straw was drawn by McClure
So they sent him out to cure
The ailing AC
At the company
That packages horse manure
A neighbor down the block
Bought two furnaces made in Bangkok
He bought a spare
For he knew that there
Were not any parts in stock
The window AC on 3
Was attached improperly
It fell 30 feet
And broke the seat
Of a convertible Mercury
A resourceful man was he
Who tinkered with my AC
He was not a technician
But had the ambition
Unfortunately for me
The HVAC man Blake
Rebuilt his left front brake
Later that night
It pulled to the right
And his truck wound up in the lake
I don’t have that part with me
Said the furnace man Mr. D.
If they ship it by air
It should arrive there
Next week from Rome Italy
She found this piece on the ground
After her AC broke down
She asked the tech Reece
Who said that piece
Came from the rear of a hound
I don’t like that look on your face
She said to the furnace ace
Who said you’re right
I was wrong last night
To eat at the Mexican place
The wedding was truly serene
For the AC man and Marlene
There was no alcohol
At the reception hall
But I heard there was ethylene
The system was state of the art
The modules were very smart
The manuals for it
Into a shopping cart
The bankruptcy judge said I see
The company’s named after thee
I therefore decree
For A. Crook’s HVAC
The pager of AC tech Frye
Was quite active last July
In the waiting room
Of Dr. Bloom
Who said your BP looks high
You’re an hour late she said
So I just called AC man Ed
I said that’s great
But he’ll also be late
For your clocks are an hour ahead
My HVAC man said
Your AC shut off on high head
He said there’s enough
In the coils to make a bedspread
Don’t touch that switch over there
If you do it will summon a bear
Grandma that’s silly
Said little Billy
It calls up the furnace man Blair
I’m returning this setback said Cox
For what reason asked Mr. Fox
It was DOA
So I guess you could say
It couldn’t think out of the box
The fortune teller said
Hot times lie just ahead
I was so elated
I ran home and waited
And found my AC was dead
My AC was shaped like a wedge
Like a doorstop it came to an edge
I’m thinking that they
Made it that way
To deflect the blows from my sledge
There is no filter in there
Everything’s full of dog hair
I’ll need a mower
To find the blower
And I don’t see the coils anywhere
The AC repairman bloke
Said all I know is it’s broke
I’ll tell you more
But not before
You’ve removed all that poison oak
The level of water rose
It reached the top of his toes
It would not stop
For a case of his pop
Was on top of the condensate hose
The handyman Mr. Winer
Ran his flue to the clay chimney liner
Acids ate through
The mortar and flue
Now he eats and sleeps at the diner
I’ll go check the attic pilot
Said our landlady Mrs. Violet
As she straddled a beam
We heard her scream
So we punched 911 and dialed it
We don’t care ‘bout no stinkin codes
Cause we ain’t no scholars from Rhodes
We got no insurance
For no mishap occurrence
When some sucker’s furnace explodes
Everybody looks down on me
Said a New York tech of AC
So the very best place
For my truck sign to face
Is up for all to see
The thermostatic expansion device
Was encased in a ball of ice
So the handyman Vic
Fetched his ice pick
And tripled the repair price
The stairs were piled high with stuff
So the furnace man Mr. Huff
Chose the laundry chute
For his travel route
But the trip back out was tough
Our AC man Mr. Cole
Stepped into a doggie hole
He took out his cell
And called my wife Belle
Who brought out a rescue pole
You’re here for a second opinion
Said the rabbi to Mr. McKinyan
Who examined the furnace
And said in earnest
My advice is to form a minyan
I trust you implicitly
To repair my broken AC
But I’ll be here with you
Until you are through
For I don’t trust my wife with thee
This condenser that carries the Freon
Is corroding said tech Dion
It’s life will be over
Unless you find Rover
An alternate object to pee on
Oh please Mr. AC guy
I’m sorry about last July
When I sneaked away
And didn’t pay
Please don’t leave me high and dry
My AC has a disease
That causes the parts to seize
It’s a form of arthritis
From those who supplied us
With all things labeled Chinese
A tech from Overland Park
Created a very large spark
And since that affair
He’s refused to repair
An AC in the dark
Which AC is the best
He asked the tech Mr. West
Who said it is called
The one not installed
By those who are worse than the rest
Why do they always pick me
To fix that place’s AC
The other tech Stubbs
Gets sent to strip clubs
And I get the mortuary
My impatience is truly peaking
As I listen to hear that squeaking
I can only hear
Out of one ear
And in it she won’t stop speaking
My gorgeous new central air
Was made with artistic flair
She looks so nice
I’ve hugged her twice
And bought her a gown to wear
The man who lives down the street
Is known as helpful Pete
But things got scary
With his neighbor Larry
When Pete tried to fix his heat
It took me a little while
To find your AC Mr. Lyle
It looked like a mass
Of clippings of grass
Resembling a compost pile
The furnace man Mr. Baker
Had a chat with Mr. Huntsaker
He said let’s face it
It’s time to replace it
Or you’ll pay the undertaker
The gas line in your abode
Failed to comply with code
Which might explain why
You flew through the sky
And landed way down the road
The path to the furnace was narrow
Through the basement of Mr. Ferro
The furnace man sighed
And said I’m too wide
There’s only room for a sparrow
I’m on a fixed income said Stein
The millionaire off of State Line
The AC man Blair
Said I’ll charge you what’s fair
If you’ll tell me how to fix mine
The AC man Mr. Carter
Truly loved to barter
He traded his labor
For the wife of his neighbor
But now he’d like to discard her
Our furnace man Mr. Stout
Does not let our cats get out
To the door they race
And come face to face
With his water cannon spout
The external static pressure
Was high as the meter could measure
So we opened the duct
And in it was tucked
A previous occupant’s treasure
What was your prior vocation
They asked on the application
The big guy wrote wrestler
They hired Mr. Kessler
For 25 SEER installation
I’m not a magical man
I’m just a tech in a van
I don’t have the voodoo
To make stew from doo doo
It just isn’t part of the plan
I don’t know why it broke down
I’m not on that side of town
This is AC man Paul
Were you trying to call
The number of Sylvia Browne
The customer’s always right
Was the motto of AC man White
But he changed his motto
When he met Otto
Who told him he wasn’t too bright
Our furnace man Mr. Bickel
Showed up on an old bicycle
The cost was too heavy
To gas up his Chevy
And this was a greener vehicle
The cost to fix your AC
Just went up to 203
One more blonde joke
And you’ll be broke
Said the blonde lady tech to he
I don’t believe we sell
A window AC built for hell
The climate’s too hot
And there’s probably not
A window in that hotel
A rooftop tech named Alfredo
Was the fastest tech in Laredo
He’d jump to the ground
Then he’d rebound
For his shoes were full of Play-Dough
A tech from Montreal
Played a game of fetch the ball
As he threw in the towel
The dog did growl
And chased him over the wall
He smiled and paid twice my fee
And then he explained to me
You’re the second man here
The first to appear
Said I needed a new AC
We wanted someone much taller
They said to Shorty Waller
But they had him report
When they found they were short
A crawl space furnace installer
An AC man from France
Drove an old ambulance
But he got jailed
When his siren wailed
As he sped past officer Nance
Our furnace man in St. Louis
Said he’d be late getting to us
We said don’t worry
There’s no need to hurry
We’re drinking our hot Kahluas
The warranty doesn’t back it
In the event that you attack it
But it should be all right
For the people in white
Are arriving with your straight jacket
A furnace man from Oak Grove
Dropped his cigarette as he drove
He felt a sear
Under his rear
And out of the truck he dove
A humidifier in Prairie Village
At the home of Mr. Milledge
Was installed in the attic
To relieve the static
But it froze and created a spillage
The HVAC tech Manny
Had a memory quite uncanny
He was not good with faces
Or counting aces
But he never forgot a fanny
The AC man Mr. Rime
Had a thing about selling his time
He’d frequently say
You’re in my way
That’ll cost you another dime
A tech from Arkansas
Got the AC coil to thaw
He cranked up the heat
Then stood in the street
At the home of his mother-in-law
A furnace man named Cole
Always had an ace in the hole
But we heard a report
That his luck fell short
And his hair had to pay the toll
Down in Mississippi
There was a loud yippee
When from the duct
The AC tech plucked
The wandering gerbil, Skippy
That isn’t a good idea
Said the tech to Mr. Garcia
That AC’s too heavy
To load in a Chevy
Much less on the roof of your Kia
I was sitting on the stool
Said the do-it-yourselfer, Newell
The furnace went WOOF
And I went through the roof
And came down in my swimming pool
A gas man from Gibraltar
Was chased by a dog named Walter
When they reached the wall
The man didn’t stall
For he was a former pole vaulter
Count the fingers you see
He told the tech Dundee
Who said maybe four
I’ll tell you more
When you pull the AC off me
All day his cellphone would bring
Calls from those who would not say a thing
So he saved their numbers
To a group called bumblers
And assigned the group no ring
I found something lumpy and wavy
In the AC drain said Davy
It was gooey and thick
The sight made me sick
And I lost my craving for gravy
In front of our furnace he sat
In a Davy Crockett hat
We said hold still
And with gentle skill
We pulled from his head our cat
A furnace man from Brazil
Had plenty of time to kill
So he taught his parrot
To say we’ll repair it
After dialing the phone with his bill
Your wiring’s getting too hot
For the proper gauge it is not
You’ll need no AC
For soon this will be
Only an empty lot
An AC man named Trent
Did a tune-up under a tent
When a wind quite strong
It became an uncovered event
A delivery man named McBride
Did HVAC on the side
But the cost of dissecting
And then correcting
His work was so high we cried
If you tell me what’s wrong on the phone
I can fix it on my own
I really doubt that
Said Dr. Blatt
For your field is AC not bone
The toboggan was really fast
Everyone else I passed
I zoomed past Peter
And saw the gas meter
And later he signed my cast
Here lies the body of gasman Dwight
Found the leak with a match last night
Here lies AC man, Mr. Cass
He made it to 90, then ran out of gas
Here lies the body of feeble minded Leon
Switched his inhaler with a bottle of Freon
Here lies the body of the ice man, our dear
The ladies all loved him - and that’s why he’s here.
Real life HVAC dramas:
A church account of mine sold their building and moved to another location. They called with an emergency situation: The AC was broke in the large reception hall at the new location and they had a big wedding scheduled there. I quickly diagnosed the problem. That entire floor was built with no air conditioning. They never had the building inspected before buying it.
A distraught customer called and said I had left him the wrong air filters for his furnace. They were 20” by 25” filters, and his furnace uses a 25” by 20” filter. Obviously I said “turn it around”.
Got a call from an auto parts store in a bad part of town. The owner said the outside unit was tripping the circuit breaker in the store immediately each time he reset it. He called back a few minutes later, and said:
“Never mind. I found the problem. Somebody cut the wires and stole the outside unit”.
I pulled into a new customer’s driveway, took out my tools and armed my truck alarm with the remote. I turned around and noticed that the customer was coming out of the garage to “greet” me. But instead of “greeting” me, he wanted to know how and why I had opened his opened his garage door! It turned out to be an incredible coincidence that his electric garage door opener was on the exact same frequency as my truck alarm! Every time I pushed the remote button on my truck alarm, it opened or closed his garage door. This was the only time this ever happened to me.
I once serviced a furnace in a dark basement where the furnace was installed with the front of it facing a wall less than 2 feet away. So I had to slide in, scrunch down and sit on the floor with my legs crossed to service it. The furnace was elevated a couple of inches off the floor on bricks. I felt something touch my crotch and saw a large rodent staring up at me. I let out a blood-curdling scream and tried, but couldn’t escape.
Luckily it turned out to be the renter’s pet ferret. He’d slid under furnace to visit me and check out my work.
Had a call from a lady who was frantic, because she was absolutely certain that her neighbors on the other side of her half-duplex were tying into her utilities. She wanted me to remove her gas line from the common-wall of the duplex and reroute it to a different location. I immediately discovered that the only part of her gas line in the common wall was for her fireplace starter, which she never used. Luckily there was a shutoff for that line in her basement. So I merely turned it off there. After I was finished, she explained how she knew that her neighbors were tapping into her utilities:
Her parrot told her.
She called the next day and as I was speaking to her, she said that she was so pleased with my work that she wanted me to replace her furnace. I explained to her that her furnace was in excellent condition and didn’t need to be replaced. But as I was explaining that to her, my wife accidentally picked up the extension phone, and the woman became extremely agitated, yelling “They’re at it again! Now they’re into my phone line!”.
After seeing a brand new furnace installation with numerous code violations during a no-heat call at a new customer’s house, I asked the lady which company had done this installation. She said:
“One of the nice firemen who responded to my carbon monoxide complaint call. I paid him to come back and replace the furnace when he was off duty, because he was an expert with fire.”
My son-in-law was helping me install an AC unit at a customer’s house. The homeowner’s large, talking parrot was in his cage, which was placed near the outside AC unit, and the parrot was intently watching us. I told my son-in-law a “parrot joke”, and my son-in-law began to laugh. The parrot in turn began to mimic him and laughed very loudly. And that was the day we almost laughed ourselves to death. It never stopped. When the 3 of us stopped laughing for a few seconds, somebody (including the bird) would start laughing again. I can’t speak for the parrot, but my son-in-law and I had pulled most of the muscles in our guts before it was over.