A few HVAC jokes and humorous things:
A skydiver is
plummeting toward the ground and passes a man on his way up from the
ground. He yells:
“Do you know how to
open a parachute?”
The person going up
yells:
“No! Do you know how
to light a pilot?”
“Delayed ignition”
is the term used to describe the mini-explosion that occurs when it takes too
long for the pilot or igniter to ignite
the gas. The math formula for calculating
the outcome is:
How many seconds the
gas builds up in the chamber before igniting compared to how big the
technician’s eyes get while waiting for it to ignite.
Fear of encountering
snakes while crawling through the crawlspace under the house to get to the
crawlspace furnace:
“A reptile
dysfunction.”
HVAC tech to
homeowner:
“Your furnace has a
few problems. But things could be a lot
worse.”
Somewhat, relieved,
the homeowner replies: “Oh, that’s good news.”
HVAC tech:
“I know. It could be my furnace instead of yours.”
A bird in the hand
is better than one stuck in the flue pipe.
Your credibility
might be shot if:
You show up with
your eyebrows burnt off.
Halfway through the
call, you realize you’re at the wrong address.
You open your
sliding truck door and it falls off in the customer’s driveway.
An elderly woman is
looking out her window, watching a crew of gas men working. The gas men are just finishing up their job
and the younger ones challenge the older ones to a foot-race back to the truck. As they near the truck, they see the elderly
lady running behind them. She tells
them:
“When I see gas men
running like that I know it’s time to get out!”
A customer’s new,
computerized furnace stops working. But
each time the technician shows up, it works flawlessly.
The exasperated technician
tells the customer:
“I had a car just
like that. Every time I drove it past
the junk yard, it ran just fine”.
The best air
conditioning man in the world died and went to hell. Satan thought he’d have some fun with him and gave him the impossible
job of cooling off the temperature in Satan’s huge office. To Satan’s amazement, he finished the job
very quickly. So Satan sent him out to
drop the temperature in the rest of hell, and amazingly he got the temperature
to drop a few degrees in the rest of hell – just enough to where the
inhabitants of hell didn’t mind going there quite as much. One day the phone rang and St. Peter told
Satan that there had been a clerical mistake and the AC man belonged in heaven. He’d been sent to hell by mistake, and must
be sent back to heaven immediately.
Satan refused, explaining that the man was starting to make hell a bit
more comfy. St. Peter finally
threatened to sue Satan if he didn’t send the man to heaven.
Satan replied:
“Where are you going to find a lawyer up there?”
Why are computers
like air conditioners?
They quit working
properly when you open Windows.
She calls me when
she’s hot
She calls me for no
cause
She called me until
I told her
The problem was
menopause
“So you want to
exchange this 5 ton rooftop AC unit for a smaller one?”
“Yes.”
“We just need your
name and the reason”.
“Running Wolf”
“Flattened teepee”
Why did the 3 little
pigs have to buy an electric furnace instead of a gas furnace?
The neighbors didn’t
want to be near a swine flue.
Why did the customer
fire the insulation company?
They told him they
were putting batts in his walls.
What goes from 0 to
38 MPH in 1 second?
A mouse in a 12”
diameter, 1075 RPM furnace blower wheel.
Chrysler used to
make furnaces decades ago. Some are
still in use.
Ford quit making the
Pinto because it only lit one time.
Why did Burt
Reynolds have his return air grille moved from the ceiling to the floor?
His toupee kept
getting sucked up into it.
Why did the AC tech run toward the AC?
He was charging it.
Why did the AC man purge the refrigerant?
He was bulimic.
Why did the AC man cross the road?
He opened the AC and found a wasp’s nest in it.
Why don’t Chinese air conditioners contain lead?
Because they’re too big to fit in your mouth.
What’s the difference between a pipe fitting and a customer without heat?
A pipe nipple remains the same length.
Why is a drunken fortune teller like an AC?
Both are called “high SEER”.
How many legs does a furnace technician have?
It depends on how many spiders there are in the crawl space.
Why wouldn’t the AC cool the house?
The thermostat had one too many setbacks.
Why did the AC compressor sweat?
Because it had to run all day.
Why did the school get rid of the furnace?
It was caught smoking in the bathroom.
Why did the HVAC tech have licenses in different states?
He heard that Freon changes states.
Why did the AC trainee buy a box of Exlax?
He was told to evacuate the system.
What was the bird arrested for when he hopped out of the flue pipe?
Draft dodging.
What did the 5 ton, 25 SEER AC say to the owner after he put a cover over it?
“Does this cover make me look fat?”
How do you convert an air-source heat pump to a ground-source heat pump?
Install it in quicksand.
Customer: “My furnace makes a loud noise once in a while and I smell something funny.
Technician: “Sounds like it’s getting gas”.
Technician: “The good news is that a tornado didn’t take your 50 year old air conditioner away.
And that’s also the bad news.”
Technician: “Your outside unit’s in pretty bad shape and your dog has been pottying on it.”
Customer: “So I should train him not to do that?”
Technician: “No, just tell him that it’s redundant.”
Technician: “Your new dog appears to have an electrolyte deficiency.
He keeps biting the wiring to the outside unit.”
Technician: “How long has the AC not been working?”
Customer: “2 weeks”.
Technician: “Why did you wait 2 weeks to have it fixed?”
Customer: “My in-laws were here. They were planning to stay for a month.”
Technician: (holding his nose) “You only have one return air grill in your house”.
Customer: “Is that a bad thing?”
Technician: “It wouldn’t be as bad if you moved the litter box away from it.”
Customer: “What brand is my furnace?”
Technician: “It’s an old Buster Brown – It’s brown on the top and busted on the bottom.”
Customer: “Why is it taking so long to fix my AC?”
Technician: “I had to park a block away and needed parts from the truck.”
Customer: “It shouldn’t have taken that long.”
Technician: “It wouldn’t have if your dog hadn’t been attached to my leg.”
The customer watched as the AC man lifted the hatch and poked his head up into the attic.
“What do you see?” asked the customer.
“Satan – dead of a heat stroke”.
Customer: “What are you doing?”
AC tech: “I’m charging the system.”
Customer: “So I don’t have to pay?”
Customer sticks his head out the back door and says: “Did you find the problem yet?”
The AC tech looks down at the dog on his leg and says: “No but I’m getting a hunch.”
The overhead heater manufacturing company’s sales were terrible. The owner hired an ad agency to determine why.
The ad man recommended that they change the company name to something other than the owner’s name. The owner asked him why, and he responded:
“Well, it’s a long story, Mr. Hindenburg.”
Customer: “How much does a ground-source heat pump cost to have installed?”
Salesman: “That depends on whether or not they strike oil when they excavate.”
Why did the repairman bring a bottle of syrup with him?
The unit had a pancake compressor.
Wife: “Why did they send out a midget AC repairman?”
Husband: “They didn’t. Tuffy’s been digging holes in the yard again.”
The AC tech injected a red dye into the Freon system to find an ongoing leak.
A month later the customer called and said:
“You’d better come by. I think its time of the month is here.”
The AC tech came back in from the outside unit with his face swollen from bee stings and said:
“I think I’ve located the source of that buzzing noise”.
Why did the setback thermostat in the church keep shorting out?
Every time it changed temperature settings, the priest threw holy water on it.
Customer: “I’m buying my parents a new AC. They want the loudest one you have.”
Salesman: “Why?”
Customer: “They’re deaf and they hate the neighbors”.
Husband: “Your honor, my wife has made my life a living hell.”
Judge: “How did she do that?”
Husband: “She turned the thermostat up to 90!”
AC tech: “You have 2 identical AC units. The left one has a bad compressor and the right one only has a bad fan motor.
I can take the fan motor out of the left one and put it in the right one. So you’ll at least have one working unit.”
Undertaker customer: “That’s quite helpful of you, but I don’t think we have a completed organ donor card for the left one.”
Customer service: “You’ve been here every week in the last few months returning the same setback thermostat model. Did you read the installation instructions?”
Customer: “Yes, I read the instructions. It’s guaranteed for a year and it’s a 7 day thermostat.”
There’s a new thermostat that prevents unauthorized persons from changing the temperature settings.
You have to enter an access code to change the settings.
After 3 incorrect entries, it fires a taser.
They now have talking thermostats. One model says:
“Not until you change the air filter”.
The Husband model says:
“I’ll get around to it later”.
The Wife model says:
“Not now. I have a headache”.
The Police model says:
“STEP AWAY FROM THE THERMOSTAT”
The Psychiatrist model says:
“How long have you had the urge to keep changing the temperature?”
The new sign language thermostat for blind and deaf people has been recalled after several assaults were reported when the thermostat mistakenly thought the users were making an obscene gesture.
Why did the tech divorce his 6’ tall, 100 pound wife after 1 week?
He discovered he couldn’t condenser.
Customer: “It’s been a long time since I’ve had the AC serviced”.
Tech: “Yes, I could tell. The fur from your black Labs had been in the condenser so long, it turned gray.”
What’s big and fuzzy and uses a lot of electricity?
An air conditioner next to a dryer vent.
Furnace technician after removing several cubic feet of brown fur from the return duct:
“Do you have a big family, Mr. Baer?”
AC technician after seeing the AC condenser flattened by baseballs:
“It looks like you need a replacement catcher”.
Why was the fan blade arrested?
It was hitting on the shroud.
Why were there red polka-dots all over the back of the house?
The house painter sat on the AC fan and got behind in his work.
What kind of makeup do furnace technicians use a lot of?
Eyebrow pencils.
Why did it take so long for the furnace part to arrive?
It was a very slow moving part.
Son: “Daddy, a piece of metal just popped out of the AC installer’s skin and landed on the attic floor.”
Father: “It’s okay son. He just finished sweating a fitting”.
Leroy’s parole officer O’Malley dropped by his house to see how his cocaine rehab was coming along.
O’Malley: “The last time I was here, there was like a cloud of white dust floating in the air. Now it’s clean as a whistle in here”.
Leroy: “Mmm um muh”.
O’Malley: “I can’t understand you. Could you take your face out of that old furnace filter?”.
Why were the indecent exposure charges dropped against the air conditioner?
Witnesses testified that it had been stripped by copper thieves.
Engineer to AC technician: “Son, you don’t have to talk down to me. I have a Master’s in mechanical engineering and 30 years experience. Now what was the problem?”
Technician: “You had the thermostat switch set for heat, sir”.
Woman customer: “Thank you for removing your shoes before coming in from the back yard as I requested. Are you all finished?”
AC technician: “Yes Ma’am.”
Woman: “But where are your shoes?”.
Technician: “Your dogs have them.”
The senior technician is sent to repair a rooftop unit with the newly hired trainee. They go up on the roof and a conversation begins:
Sr. tech: “You’re a bit older than most of the trainees we get. What did you do before this?”
Trainee: “Well, actually nothing. I’ve been in prison for the last 10 years”.
Sr. tech: “For what?”
Trainee: “Oh, I pushed a co-worker out of a window”.
Used car salesman customer: “Well, I’m certain that my old furnace is still worth a lot of money. But you aren’t giving me anything for it in trade. You could make a lot of money off that unit. Why you’re just stealing it without giving a trade-in.”
The furnace man looks at the gigantic old furnace and the steep stairs going up out of the basement and says:
“You’re right. Those old models are really priceless. If you promise not to tell anybody, I’ll give you $25 to keep it.”
Layman’s HVAC glossary of terminology
Absolute humidity: Like a sauna.
Adiabatic: One who must avoid sweets.
Accumulator: A packrat.
AFUE: The number of furnaces tested at the factory.
Air conditioner pad: AC incontinence protection.
Air grill: A convection oven.
Air handler: A slave who fans the queen.
Air source heat pump: A hair dryer.
Air velocity
pressure probe: A dog with his head out
the car window.
Back pressure: Sensation felt while installing a 25 SEER AC
unit.
Balance point: One drink short of failing field sobriety
test.
Bearing: North or south.
Bimetal: What we do at the sheet metal supply house.
Blower door testing: Kicking the furnace panels.
Brazing: Cooking a burger.
Breaker: Demolition man.
BTU: (British Thermal Unit) Queen Elizabeth’s insulated tea carafe.
Calorimeter: A device used by adiabatic.
Capacitor: Used to determine a technician’s capacity for electrical shock.
Capillary: A hat belonging to Larry.
Change of state: Flee from Missouri to Kansas.
Charging cylinder: A fast approaching torpedo.
Charging gauges: Monthly credit card statements.
Chiller: A scary movie.
Chimney flue: What happened during a tornado.
Closed loop: A know-it-all.
Coefficient of expansion: Factor for determining the girth gained during menopause.
Cold air return: Santa’s annual trip back to the North Pole. (Also a suitable dwelling for elves.)
Contactor: A telephone.
Counter flow: Liquids spilled in the kitchen.
Cross charged: Used somebody else’s credit card.
Current relay: The race now being run.
Cut-in: To butt into line ahead of others.
Cut-out: Leave before the cops arrive.
Cylinder head: An oddly shaped cranium.
Dalton’s Law: Gang warfare.
Damper: Wetter than usual.
Degree day: Graduation.
Deice control: De one labeled “ice” in a Jamaican hotel ice machine.
Delayed ignition: Postponed NASA flight.
Design pressure: An inventor’s stress to produce.
Design temperature: Typically 98.6 degrees.
Dew point: On the tops of the blades of grass.
Dilution air: Open windows.
Discharge line: Residue on your sleeve if you don’t have a Kleenex.
Draft diverter: A flue pipe that empties into the attic after the roofers forgot to reattach it.
Draft gauge: Beer level monitor.
Dry bulb: Waterproof flashlight.
Dual fuel: A plate of beans and a quart of coffee.
Ductulator: Past tense: “I avoided you after you installed the new AC, because I didn’t have the money.”
Duct collar: A device used by hunters to summon their prey.
Economizer: A very frugal person.
EER: Auditory appendage lost while listening to the fan blade.
Electronic leak detector: Alerts you when to change the diaper.
Electrostatic filter: Device for eliminating radio interference.
Error code: Erroneous furnace code displayed to technician by deranged furnace control board.
Evaporator: One who vanishes into thin air when there’s work to be done.
Expansion valve: An improperly winterized water hydrant.
External equalizer: An unconcealed handgun.
Female thread: A forum topic of interest to women.
Fin comb: A device for grooming fish.
Fire damper: Water.
Flare: Placed behind a broken down 18-wheeler at night.
Flow through humidifier: A humidifier with the guts removed.
Freon: A misnomer, i.e. something which is never free on your bill.
Frost back: A drunk lying in the yard during an ice-storm.
Gas control valve: A sphincter.
Geothermal: A Geo Metro with no AC.
Gravity furnace: A furnace that weighs a ton.
Ground source heat pump: A volcano.
Ground wire: An electrical conductor caught in a grinder.
Head pressure: A migraine.
Heat anticipator: A weather forecaster.
Heat exchanger: A Jalapeno pepper.
High limit: Legal blood-alcohol level.
High static: Bad reception.
Hot surface igniter: Charcoal lighter.
Hot wire: Alternative to vehicle leasing.
Humidistat: A wet hemostat.
Ice machine: An air conditioner with a frozen coil.
Intermittent ignition: Works only when observed.
Latent heat: Hot flashes arriving later in life.
Load calculation: Test done at the highway patrol truck weighing station.
LP gas: Digestive disorder of nurses.
Manometer: Device used by women to find and evaluate a potential mate.
Mass flow rate: The number of people per minute entering or exiting a church.
Mercury bulb: Headlight for a Ford product.
Mini Split: Why Mickey Mouse is still single.
Megohm: The sister of German physicist Georg Simon Ohm.
Natural gas: Result of a natural food diet.
Normally closed: The parts house when you need something.
Normally open: Mother-in-law’s mouth.
Outside unit: An outwardly protruding navel.
Passive media: News for wimps.
Pillow block: An evasive maneuver used during a pillow fight.
Pilot orifice: An aviator’s pierced ear.
Pipe nipple: A hook for holding a smoker’s pipe – Works best when both are cold.
Pipe union: A labor organization.
Pocket thermometer: Determines the temperature in your pocket.
Polyester oil: Anti aging formula used by Polly Esther.
Portable AC: An outside unit in the inner city.
Primary air: The main inheritor.
Psych chart: Medical history posted on clipboard attached
to mental patient’s bed.
Recovery
cylinder: An iron lung.
Refrigerant: A small insect in the refrigerator.
Secondary air: Beneficiary of the primary air.
SEER ratings: Reviews of psychics.
Sensible heat: The temperature in a normal person’s house.
Setback stat: A failure analysis component.
Shaft play: A theatrical event starring Richard
Roundtree.
Sheet metal: Coins that fall out of your pockets when you
go to bed drunk.
Short to
ground: A dwarf.
Sling
psychrometer: Test instrument dropped
into a blower wheel.
Solenoid: A solemn humanoid.
Specific
gravity: The seriousness of a crime as
determined by a judge.
Split system: An outside unit struck by an axe.
Squirrel cage: Ferris wheel ride for rodents.
Standing pilot: An aviator who quit drinking.
Static
pressure: Stress from critics.
Sub-cooling: Air conditioning system for a submersible
ship.
Suction line: An arrow drawn on a patient prior to
liposuction.
Superheat: Radiant emission from Superman’s eyes.
System purge: Act performed in the all-you-can-eat buffet
bathroom to get your money’s worth.
Thermal mass: Religious ceremony in a church with a broken
air conditioner.
Thermocouple: Two very hot people.
Thumb gum: Destination of spearmint just prior to being
placed on underside of table.
Transformer: Cross-dresser.
Transition: A halfway house.
Tubing bender: Forklift operator at the AC warehouse.
Turning vane: Becoming conceited.
Vapor barrier: A diaper.
Vacuum pump: A woman’s shoe caught in the sweeper.
Variable air volume
control: An electric car window.
Water source heat
pump: Hot water tap.
Wet bulb: A flashlight dropped in the lake.
Window AC: A high voltage theft deterrent device in a
jewelry store window.
Poems and limericks
We heard our furnace
man Seth
Mutter curses under
his breath
And my husband Hank
Heard him call it a
“blank”
And threaten it with
death
To fix our furnace
he came
He had a French
sounding name
He said “sacre bleu”
“I truly love you”
And explained it was
an old flame
Is it hot enough for
you
They asked the AC
man Hugh
Who said I’m
thinking
My comfort’s
shrinking
But my wallet’s
expanding too
This is not a hot water heater
The tech informed Mr. Reeder
If the water was hot
Then you would not
Need this thing to be there
This overabundance of heat
I feel when crossing the street
On this sweltering day
Prompted me to say
It’s as hot as a Hindu’s feet
The laws of Physics mandate
That cold air will flow from this grate
But that won’t happen
If the blower is nappin
And folks will become irate
I did a home inspection
Down by the next intersection
I told the sellers
They’d used the wrong fellers
To wire the electric connection
My outside unit’s brand new
But my inside coil’s 32
To my dismay
It runs all day
For I should have replaced the coil too
The drunk turned the thermostat dial
And it ran for a very long while
It got so hot
The pickled sot
Scorched his feet on the tile
Your filter’s a very odd size
Said the furnace man Mr. Frize
They’re hard to come by
And that’s just why
The folks who did this are wise
As the battle over the stat
Continued with Mary and Matt
She beat him with mops
So he called the cops
And picked up his flattened hat
I see on my lawn over there
A bare spot perfectly square
But now I see
What’s missing is the
Unit for my central air
He lit up his brand new torch
Out on the lady’s front porch
The flame came out wrong
It was far too long
And it left a really big scorch
If you switch part A
with part B
And they don’t match
identically
You can get into
trouble
And might see a bubble
And it might be time
to flee
How much duct can
you tuck in a truck
And be able to pluck
a tucked duct
I’ve had no luck for
my duct tucking sucks
And bent up ducts
cost me bucks
The tornado dropped
down from the sky
My old AC did fly
It fell to the
ground
With no-one around
At a junkyard
located nearby
The heater was
running hot
But it was only hot
in one spot
So the clever young
fellows
Roasted marshmallows
And didn’t mind it a
lot
A 90 year old bloke
in a cloak
Didn’t care that the
AC was broke
He liked it quite
hot
And more often than
not
When he walked he
left trails of smoke
Mr. Olson loved to
fight
Over the repair bill
all night
When he got
something free
He’d giggle with
glee
And dance a jig of
delight
Do you think you can
repair
My ancient central
air?
If it just needs a
fan
Then maybe I can
If they still make a
fan so rare
The furnace came to
a stop
Then the temperature
started to drop
The house got so
chilly
The goldfish named
Willie
Is now being used
for a prop
The Chihuahua went
after the AC tech
Who grabbed him by
the scruff of his neck
And said listen here
I’ll bite off your
ear
If you don’t show a
little respect
The furnace asked
the AC
What it did when it
had to pee
I go on the ground
When no-one’s around
And hope nobody will
see
Where’s the
thermostat at?
Asked the man in the
HVAC hat
Second door down the
hall
In the bathroom
stall
Said the maintenance
man who installed that
2 tons of cooling is
needed
If the occupancy
isn’t exceeded
But you’ll need more
If you don’t close
the door
Or tempers start to
get heated
If you don’t come
quick I will die
It’s so hot in here
I could fry
I took your advice
And sat on some ice
But it melted in the
blink of an eye
An AC man in crawl
space
Encountered a snake
face to face
They looked at each
other
Both yelled for
their mother
And scurried away in
haste
The AC men from
Gower
Waited for Mrs.
Bauer
But they didn’t fret
That she hadn’t
shown yet
Because they charge
by the hour
The tech cut his
hand on the duct
And started to yell
“Oh ____!”
But a lady was there
So he didn’t swear
He just bled and
said “Oh shucks”.
There was an old
tech from Decatur
Who looked like an
alligator
He retired to the
Glades
Where he currently
wades
And plays with his
ductulator
Get out - get out of
my house
Said the furnace to
the mouse
If you don’t get out
I’ll burn your snout
And singe your bushy
eyebrows
I can’t afford that
said Leo
The wealthy old CEO
He asked in a shout
“Can’t you bail me
out?”
To the HVAC man in
Rio.
I’m sorry Mr.
McGirty
But you’re 14 times
past 30
I’ll fix the AC
But you must pay me
Before I get my
hands dirty
The flame sensor
said to the flame
It’s all your fault
you’re to blame
You failed to light
During the night
But I’ll be accused
just the same
We’ll nap til 1:42
Then we’ll fly back
out of the flue
Said the blue jay to
his mate
But they both woke
up late
And both had turned
black and blue
The hack came back
every day
Our hearts were
filled with dismay
Then the furnace
went boom
When the gas filled
the room
And the hack blew
away to L.A.
The AC man McGuire
Decided to retire
He went someplace
where
The weather was fair
And he no longer had
to perspire
I think I’ll go
shopping with Jill
At the air
conditioned mall down the hill
The temp isn’t dropping
And I can’t watch
home shopping
Til I pay the
electric bill
Is it hot or is it
just me
Asked Satan of his
favorite three
It’s safe to say
You made it that way
Said the one with
the law degree
My “Smart Furnace”
started to speak
It didn’t shut up
for a week
I kicked the side
“Stop that” it cried
And then it started
to shriek
I want to go out
back and play
But the AC man’s
back there today
Last time he was
here
I bit his rear
And he told them to
keep me away
A spider got in the
contactor
Said the air
conditioner contractor
It couldn’t connect
Through the insect
But it really did
compact her
I’m calling you to
say
That my air flow is
better today
It blows with such
power
It took me an hour
To catch up with my
toupee
The AC wasn’t tied
down
It fell from the
truck to the ground
On the midtown
freeway
Late yesterday
But the copper was
never found
Come quick Santa’s
caught in our flue
Cried the curly
haired lad of two
His leg is broke
The young lad spoke
And my daddy is
missing too
The furnace up in
the attic
Is missing the
schematic
It’s been rewired
By someone they
hired
And their work was
problematic
Don’t put your hand
on the flue
Said the tech to Mr.
Wu
Wu’s English was
poor
And now he’s sure
To need a bandage or
two
This is really ticking
me off
Said the furnace man
Mr. Hoff
Each time I arrive
It comes alive
But as soon as I
leave it shuts off
His heating bills
are free
So’s his electricity
But he does have
debt
He hasn’t paid yet
His debt to society
A furnace man from
Missouri
Sneaked back to his
truck in a hurry
He’d been exposed
When the duct ripped
his clothes
At the home of Mrs.
Murray
A customer left me
the key
To service her AC
But she didn’t
disarm
The burglar alarm
Unfortunately for me
The rooftop AC they
say
Still isn’t working
said they
That just couldn’t
be
But now I see
I fixed the wrong
one yesterday
I have some help I
don’t need
Said the furnace man
Mr. Sneed
Your kids are
yelling
Your dogs are
smelling
My crotch and one of
them’s peed
The litter box is
usually
Near the furnace in
front of me
They must like to
share
The odors from there
With the furnace
man’s olfactory
My title is PHD
Yet I don’t fix my
own AC
I tried it before
And it cost me more
And it bit me
electrically
He wrote with
limited skill
As he filled out the
furnace bill
I fix up you flues
Use metal screws
So flue gas no more
spill
The wiring of
handyman Mitch
Created an odd sort
of glitch
When you walked up a
flight
And turned off the
light
It shut off the
furnace switch
Don’t call me “Plumber
Joe”
I don’t wear my
pants that low
You might see my
back
But I hide my crack
And use Freon
instead of Drano
Her AC was such a
wreck
Each month she wrote
them a check
She hatched a plan
And brought home a
man
Who by trade was as
an AC tech
In the yard they did
bore
A very large core
Geothermal you say?
Said Mr. Cray
I think that goes
next door
I have some
information
Regarding your
insulation
The R, Mrs. Farr
Is far from par
So the AC gets no
vacation
Be careful with your
feet
He told the AC man
Pete
If you track any poo
In on your shoe
My wife will paddle
your seat
It was like the 4th
of July
There was popping
and sparks did fly
It didn’t go well
for
The do-it-yourselfer
When his AC started
to fry
My furnace still
whistles at me
I’m a widow of 93
So I told Dan
My furnace man
Don’t fix it – just
leave it be
My furnace makes a
sound
But not when the
tech is around
He thinks I’m insane
But we both maintain
Something’s coming
unwound
A crawl-space system
wizard
Did a repair during
a blizzard
But happy was he
For he didn’t see
Nary a single lizard
A heat pump with
brains of three
Blew a fuse
repeatedly
But none confessed
All passed the test
For they had 2
brains more than me
He studied HVAC
And earned his PHD
But he wasn’t hired
For no one required
A doctor to fix
their AC
A furnace tech named
Jay
Came out of the
crawl space today
His head was bald
Back in he crawled
To fetch his missing
toupee
Inside the icemaker
grew
A hideous slimy goo
It looked like a
large
Nasal discharge
With a dash of brown
fondue
They painted their
AC with stripes
They even painted
the pipes
How lucky can I be
They’ll never see me
Said the prison
escapee Snipes
The globe is warming
up well
Life’s good and
everything’s swell
I’ve packed up my
things
To move to Hot
Springs
Said Satan from down
in hell
My HVAC site is
online
I’m busy as a cat
with twine
The phone rings all
day
When I answer they
say
Your business needs
ads from mine
An AC man named
DeClark
Was the fastest tech
in Denmark
He came home at
night
And turned out the
light
And dozed off before
it got dark
If you buy an AC
from me
I’ll throw in a
furnace free
And we know that you
Will love your new
$9,000 AC
An alien HVAC tech
Emerged from his UFO
wreck
He touched an AC
Made it cool for free
So the power company
broke his neck
His business of
heating and air
Seemed to be going
nowhere
So he sold all his
Freon
Was no longer a peon
And now was a
millionaire
My HVAC man is great
He’s never a minute
late
He saves me money
He’s really a honey
But he never asks me
for a date
An AC tech named
Howell
Had breath that was
terribly foul
He backed Mrs. Rouse
All over the house
Til she covered her
nose with a towel
An Alaskan tech
named Drew
Got the heater
working like new
But he left the stat
On 90 and that
Caused it to melt
the igloo
The tech told Mr.
Klein
Your furnace is
working just fine
When you turn it
down
Your wife comes
around
And moves it to 79
A flock of birds
follows me
As I move from AC to
AC
Like bombardiers
They aim for my ears
So I bought a
sombrero you see
An AC tech named
Quick
Did a lightning fast
diagnostic
He hung up his
gauges
And performs on
stages
As a highly paid
psychic
Back to the parts
house I ran
To pick up the
proper fan
This time I’ll wait
For the parts man
Nate
Instead of the new
trainee Dan
Twas a red hot 4th
of July
I was busy as a spy
with one eye
I told Mr. Gray
Twas not the best
day
To practice his DIY
Jack ran all the
stat wires in black
For colored wires he
did lack
But he didn’t care
That colors weren’t
there
For quite color
blind was Jack
The fan goes ding
ding ding
Said the buffet
owner, Ching
When the tech looked
in there
He said I declare
That rat took quite
a beating
It’s so cold in here
said O’Toole
My hiney froze to
the stool
The furnace man Joe
Said sir did you
know
Your thermostat’s
set to cool
Back to back they
walked 20 paces
Turned and fired at
each other’s faces
Both shots missed
But 2 AC’s hissed
As gas spewed out of
their cases
The undertaker
honked in the drive
At the house of
furnace man Clive
Clive said no way
Can’t do it today
I’m booked up til
Friday at five
I got my AC for free
For they wrote to me
recently
Dear Mr. Wren
We won’t ask again
For you to send the
money
An astronaut named
Peter
Walked in space and met
Mr. Streeter
Who’d used an ember
Last November
To light his gas
water heater
As a very old AC man
In a very old AC van
Repaired the AC
At the mortuary
They suggested a
burial plan
He made her AC work
for ages
She called him the
sage of sages
One summer it died
And Mrs. Hyde
Assaulted him with
his gauges
No resuscitation for
me
I’ll go out with
dignity
Tubes and wires
Are not my desires
Said the old and
tired AC
The AC of Mr. Cabot
Developed a Freon
habit
It needed its fix
Friday at 6
But Cabot said to
rehab it
If it breaks down
again Bob swore
It’s going out the
door
The furnace man Ted
Said that’s what you
said
In 1974
What’s the forecast
today
The AC man asked his
wife May
Baseball size hail
Winds like a gale
It’s a honey-do day
for you Ray
They called them
Frick and Frack
For they had to keep
coming back
Then Frack said to
Frick
AC’s make me sick
Let’s go back to
painting with Jack
The Heating Hall of
Fame
Has no plaque that
bears his name
But Mr. Eckerd
Holds the world
record
For most hairs
singed by a flame
He hooked the red to
the white
The furnace clicked
and did light
He went to bed
Woke up and said
I sweat like a pig
last night
A DIY’s hesitation
Is an instinct of
self preservation
Like Eastwood said
To the man who lay dead
A man’s got to know
his limitations
A furnace board
costing 250
Died to save a fuse
costing 3
The courageous board
Received an award
Issued posthumously
I don’t understand
techno-speak
From the beak of a
furnace geek
Go down and repair
it
Said the irritable
parrot
Before I freeze off
my beak
My AC man Mr. Ridge
Gave me magnets for
the fridge
But I couldn’t use
them
For my husband Clem
Has a metal dental
bridge
Is there someone
down there with you
She asked the
furnace man Lou
Ma’am it’s no discussion
I was just cussin’
She said yeah we
cuss at it too
They heard the gas
man say oops
None of them
finished their soups
Out they fled
Then the gas man
said
The oops meant I’d
stepped in poops
The DEA searched the
house twice
At the home of AC
man Dice
Then out on the
ground
Near the AC they
found
Ten white nosed
spaced out mice
This AC’s no smarter
than me
Said the professor
of HVAC
It won the first set
But it’s not over
yet
I’ll show it my
college degree
I’m sorry for our
little tiffs
Said the AC to Mr.
Griffs
Who drove as he said
Look what’s ahead
The Grand Canyon has
some great cliffs
My AC goes klitter
clatter
It used to go pitter
patter
I told my son Paul
To stop playing ball
With the AC as the
batter
An ice plant run by
Peter
Used no power
through the meter
The electric company
Caught him and he
Was put in a cell
with no heater
He cursed at furnace
tech Will
Who responded by
raising the bill
As of late last
night
No end was in sight
And the bill was at
half a mil
A man’s on my stoop
in the rain
Says he’s here to
unclog my drain
But he doesn’t fool
me
For I’m certain that
he
Came from Mars to
devour my brain
Our gravity furnace
quit perking
So we called the
furnace man Dierking
He saw it and said
Call my grandpa Ed
He’ll fix it if his
tools are still working
I shot an arrow in
the air
It fell to Earth I
know where
It landed on
My neighbors lawn
After piercing his
central air
As Vern watched the
fan blade turn
The AC hypnotized
Vern
We heard him cluck
As he left in his
truck
But his words we
couldn’t discern
Will this new AC
cool me
If I live to 103
That it should do
You’re 102
And you came with no
warranty
One of the fan
blades was missing
And I heard the
condenser hissing
If I can pull that
Rabbit from a hat
My rear someone
should be kissing
The mechanical room
at the mall
Had a blower 20 feet
tall
As I opened the door
My hat did soar
And shot out of a
vent down the hall
90 stickers were on
the duct
No place there for
mine to be stuck
But I didn’t care
For I was aware
That it brought the
last 90 no luck
The AC repairman
King
Hit a bump in his
semi last spring
He had hundreds of
carts
With thousands of
parts
And now he can’t
find a thing
The Freon your AC
takes
Was banned last year
said Rakes
Because they say
That out near L.A.
They were starting
to have earthquakes
I’m here at 10:08
I showed up 8
minutes late
Said the AC man
Vaughan
They’re already gone
But their pit bull
decided to wait
There are smudges
all over your shirt
Were you out playing
in the dirt
No ma’am said Dan
The AC man
That’s chocolate
pudding dessert
The furnace tech
Sloppy Joe
Made a mess wherever
he’d go
He spilled petroleum
On the linoleum
And put on a break
dancing show
She told IAQ man
Roan
I’m allergic to
everything known
She listed dozens
Including her
cousins
But obviously not to
the phone
Our furnace man Mr.
Dow
Asked our son how
old he was now
Johnny said three
Then asked earnestly
Where Dow kept his
other eyebrow
Why do I never lose
This Chinese wrench
pondered Hughes
When I throw it away
It shows up the next
day
To give my knuckles
a bruise
The short straw was
drawn by McClure
So they sent him out
to cure
The ailing AC
At the company
That packages horse
manure
A neighbor down the
block
Bought two furnaces made
in Bangkok
He bought a spare
For he knew that
there
Were not any parts
in stock
The window AC on 3
Was attached
improperly
It fell 30 feet
And broke the seat
Of a convertible
Mercury
A resourceful man
was he
Who tinkered with my
AC
He was not a technician
But had the ambition
Unfortunately for me
The HVAC man Blake
Rebuilt his left
front brake
Later that night
It pulled to the
right
And his truck wound
up in the lake
I don’t have that
part with me
Said the furnace man
Mr. D.
If they ship it by
air
It should arrive
there
Next week from Rome
Italy
She found this piece
on the ground
After her AC broke
down
She asked the tech
Reece
Who said that piece
Came from the rear
of a hound
I don’t like that
look on your face
She said to the
furnace ace
Who said you’re
right
I was wrong last
night
To eat at the
Mexican place
The wedding was
truly serene
For the AC man and
Marlene
There was no alcohol
At the reception
hall
But I heard there
was ethylene
The system was state
of the art
The modules were
very smart
The manuals for it
Barely fit
Into a shopping cart
The bankruptcy judge
said I see
The company’s named
after thee
I therefore decree
A bankruptcy
For A. Crook’s HVAC
The pager of AC tech
Frye
Was quite active
last July
In the waiting room
Of Dr. Bloom
Who said your BP
looks high
You’re an hour late
she said
So I just called AC
man Ed
I said that’s great
But he’ll also be
late
For your clocks are
an hour ahead
My HVAC man said
Your AC shut off on
high head
He said there’s
enough
Cottonwood fluff
In the coils to make
a bedspread
Don’t touch that
switch over there
If you do it will
summon a bear
Grandma that’s silly
Said little Billy
It calls up the
furnace man Blair
I’m returning this
setback said Cox
For what reason
asked Mr. Fox
It was DOA
So I guess you could
say
It couldn’t think
out of the box
The fortune teller
said
Hot times lie just
ahead
I was so elated
I ran home and
waited
And found my AC was
dead
My AC was shaped
like a wedge
Like a doorstop it
came to an edge
I’m thinking that they
Made it that way
To deflect the blows
from my sledge
There is no filter
in there
Everything’s full of
dog hair
I’ll need a mower
To find the blower
And I don’t see the
coils anywhere
The AC repairman
bloke
Said all I know is
it’s broke
I’ll tell you more
But not before
You’ve removed all
that poison oak
The level of water
rose
It reached the top
of his toes
It would not stop
For a case of his
pop
Was on top of the
condensate hose
The handyman Mr.
Winer
Ran his flue to the
clay chimney liner
Acids ate through
The mortar and flue
Now he eats and
sleeps at the diner
I’ll go check the
attic pilot
Said our landlady
Mrs. Violet
As she straddled a
beam
We heard her scream
So we punched 911
and dialed it
We don’t care ‘bout
no stinkin codes
Cause we ain’t no
scholars from Rhodes
We got no insurance
For no mishap
occurrence
When some sucker’s
furnace explodes
Everybody looks down
on me
Said a New York tech
of AC
So the very best
place
For my truck sign to
face
Is up for all to see
The thermostatic
expansion device
Was encased in a
ball of ice
So the handyman Vic
Fetched his ice pick
And tripled the
repair price
The stairs were
piled high with stuff
So the furnace man
Mr. Huff
Chose the laundry
chute
For his travel route
But the trip back
out was tough
As he opened the basement door
The furnace man met
Igor
Igor come get your
treat
Said Mrs. Wheat
And be sure you
clean up the floor
Our AC man Mr. Cole
Stepped into a
doggie hole
He took out his cell
And called my wife
Belle
Who brought out a
rescue pole
You’re here for a
second opinion
Said the rabbi to
Mr. McKinyan
Who examined the
furnace
And said in earnest
My advice is to form
a minyan
I trust you
implicitly
To repair my broken
AC
But I’ll be here
with you
Until you are through
For I don’t trust my
wife with thee
This condenser that
carries the Freon
Is corroding said
tech Dion
It’s life will be
over
Unless you find
Rover
An alternate object
to pee on
Oh please Mr. AC guy
I’m sorry about last
July
When I sneaked away
And didn’t pay
Please don’t leave
me high and dry
My AC has a disease
That causes the
parts to seize
It’s a form of
arthritis
From those who
supplied us
With all things
labeled Chinese
A tech from Overland
Park
Created a very large
spark
And since that affair
He’s refused to
repair
An AC in the dark
Which AC is the best
He asked the tech
Mr. West
Who said it is
called
The one not
installed
By those who are
worse than the rest
Why do they always
pick me
To fix that place’s
AC
The other tech
Stubbs
Gets sent to strip
clubs
And I get the
mortuary
My impatience is
truly peaking
As I listen to hear
that squeaking
I can only hear
Out of one ear
And in it she won’t
stop speaking
My gorgeous new
central air
Was made with
artistic flair
She looks so nice
I’ve hugged her
twice
And bought her a
gown to wear
The man who lives
down the street
Is known as helpful
Pete
But things got scary
With his neighbor
Larry
When Pete tried to
fix his heat
It took me a little
while
To find your AC Mr.
Lyle
It looked like a
mass
Of clippings of
grass
Resembling a compost
pile
The furnace man Mr.
Baker
Had a chat with Mr.
Huntsaker
He said let’s face
it
It’s time to replace
it
Or you’ll pay the
undertaker
The gas line in your
abode
Failed to comply
with code
Which might explain
why
You flew through the
sky
And landed way down
the road
The path to the
furnace was narrow
Through the basement
of Mr. Ferro
The furnace man
sighed
And said I’m too
wide
There’s only room
for a sparrow
I’m on a fixed
income said Stein
The millionaire off
of State Line
The AC man Blair
Said I’ll charge you
what’s fair
If you’ll tell me
how to fix mine
The AC man Mr.
Carter
Truly loved to
barter
He traded his labor
For the wife of his
neighbor
But now he’d like to
discard her
Our furnace man Mr.
Stout
Does not let our
cats get out
To the door they
race
And come face to
face
With his water
cannon spout
The external static
pressure
Was high as the
meter could measure
So we opened the
duct
And in it was tucked
A previous
occupant’s treasure
What was your prior
vocation
They asked on the
application
The big guy wrote
wrestler
They hired Mr.
Kessler
For 25 SEER
installation
I’m not a magical
man
I’m just a tech in a
van
I don’t have the
voodoo
To make stew from
doo doo
It just isn’t part of
the plan
I don’t know why it
broke down
I’m not on that side
of town
This is AC man Paul
Were you trying to
call
The number of Sylvia
Browne
The customer’s
always right
Was the motto of AC
man White
But he changed his
motto
When he met Otto
Who told him he
wasn’t too bright
Our furnace man Mr.
Bickel
Showed up on an old
bicycle
The cost was too
heavy
To gas up his Chevy
And this was a
greener vehicle
The cost to fix your
AC
Just went up to 203
One more blonde joke
And you’ll be broke
Said the blonde lady
tech to he
I don’t believe we
sell
A window AC built
for hell
The climate’s too
hot
And there’s probably
not
A window in that
hotel
A rooftop tech named
Alfredo
Was the fastest tech
in Laredo
He’d jump to the
ground
Then he’d rebound
For his shoes were
full of Play-Dough
A tech from Montreal
Played a game of
fetch the ball
As he threw in the
towel
The dog did growl
And chased him over
the wall
He smiled and paid
twice my fee
And then he
explained to me
You’re the second
man here
The first to appear
Said I needed a new
AC
We wanted someone
much taller
They said to Shorty
Waller
But they had him
report
When they found they
were short
A crawl space
furnace installer
An AC man from
France
Drove an old
ambulance
But he got jailed
When his siren
wailed
As he sped past
officer Nance
Our furnace man in
St. Louis
Said he’d be late
getting to us
We said don’t worry
There’s no need to
hurry
We’re drinking our
hot Kahluas
The warranty doesn’t
back it
In the event that
you attack it
But it should be all
right
For the people in
white
Are arriving with
your straight jacket
A furnace man from
Oak Grove
Dropped his
cigarette as he drove
He felt a sear
Under his rear
And out of the truck
he dove
A humidifier in
Prairie Village
At the home of Mr.
Milledge
Was installed in the
attic
To relieve the
static
But it froze and
created a spillage
The HVAC tech Manny
Had a memory quite
uncanny
He was not good with
faces
Or counting aces
But he never forgot
a fanny
The AC man Mr. Rime
Had a thing about
selling his time
He’d frequently say
You’re in my way
That’ll cost you
another dime
A tech from Arkansas
Got the AC coil to
thaw
He cranked up the
heat
Then stood in the
street
At the home of his
mother-in-law
A furnace man named
Cole
Always had an ace in
the hole
But we heard a
report
That his luck fell
short
And his hair had to
pay the toll
Down in Mississippi
There was a loud
yippee
When from the duct
The AC tech plucked
The wandering
gerbil, Skippy
That isn’t a good
idea
Said the tech to Mr.
Garcia
That AC’s too heavy
To load in a Chevy
Much less on the
roof of your Kia
I was sitting on the
stool
Said the
do-it-yourselfer, Newell
The furnace went
WOOF
And I went through
the roof
And came down in my
swimming pool
A gas man from
Gibraltar
Was chased by a dog
named Walter
When they reached
the wall
The man didn’t stall
For he was a former
pole vaulter
Count the fingers
you see
He told the tech
Dundee
Who said maybe four
I’ll tell you more
When you pull the AC
off me
All day his
cellphone would bring
Calls from those who
would not say a thing
So he saved their
numbers
To a group called
bumblers
And assigned the
group no ring
I found something
lumpy and wavy
In the AC drain said
Davy
It was gooey and
thick
The sight made me
sick
And I lost my
craving for gravy
In front of our
furnace he sat
In a Davy Crockett
hat
We said hold still
And with gentle
skill
We pulled from his
head our cat
A furnace man from
Brazil
Had plenty of time
to kill
So he taught his
parrot
To say we’ll repair
it
After dialing the
phone with his bill
Your wiring’s
getting too hot
For the proper gauge
it is not
You’ll need no AC
For soon there will
be
Only an empty lot
An AC man named
Trent
Did a tune-up under
a tent
When a wind quite
strong
Came along
It became an
uncovered event
A delivery man named
McBride
Did HVAC on the side
But the cost of
dissecting
And then correcting
His work was so high
we cried
If you tell me
what’s wrong on the phone
I can fix it on my
own
I really doubt that
Said Dr. Blatt
For your field is AC
not bone
The toboggan was
really fast
Everyone else I
passed
I zoomed past Peter
And saw the gas
meter
And later he signed
my cast
Tombstone
inscriptions:
Here lies the body
of gasman Dwight
Found the leak with a
match last night
Here lies AC man,
Mr. Cass
He made it to 90,
then ran out of gas
Here lies the body
of feeble minded Leon
Switched his inhaler
with a bottle of Freon
Here lies the body
of the ice man, our dear
The ladies all loved
him - and that’s why he’s here.
Real life HVAC
dramas:
A church account of
mine sold their building and moved to another location. They called with an emergency situation: The
AC was broke in the large reception hall at the new location and they had a big
wedding scheduled there. I quickly
diagnosed the problem. That entire
floor was built with no air conditioning. They never had the building inspected before buying it.
A distraught
customer called and said I had left him the wrong air filters for his
furnace. They were 20” by 25” filters,
and his furnace uses a 25” by 20” filter.
Obviously I said “turn it around”.
Got a call from an
auto parts store in a bad part of town.
The owner said the outside unit was tripping the circuit breaker in the
store immediately each time he reset it.
He called back a few minutes later, and said:
“Never mind. I found the problem. Somebody cut the wires and stole the outside
unit”.
I pulled into a new
customer’s driveway, took out my tools and armed my truck alarm with the remote. I turned around and noticed that the
customer was coming out of the garage to “greet” me. But instead of “greeting” me, he wanted to know how and why I had
opened his opened his garage door! It
turned out to be an incredible coincidence that his electric garage door opener
was on the exact same frequency as my truck alarm! Every time I pushed the remote button on my truck alarm, it
opened or closed his garage door. This
was the only time this ever happened to me.
I once serviced a furnace
in a dark basement where the furnace was installed with the front of it facing
a wall less than 2 feet away. So I had
to slide in, scrunch down and sit on the floor with my legs crossed to service
it. The furnace was elevated a couple
of inches off the floor on bricks. I
felt something touch my crotch and saw a large rodent staring up at me. I let out a blood-curdling scream and tried,
but couldn’t escape.
Luckily it turned
out to be the renter’s pet ferret. He’d
slid under furnace to visit me and check out my work.
Had a call from a
lady who was frantic, because she was absolutely certain that her neighbors on
the other side of her half-duplex were tying into her utilities. She wanted me to remove her gas line from
the common-wall of the duplex and reroute it to a different location. I immediately discovered that the only part
of her gas line in the common wall was for her fireplace starter, which she
never used. Luckily there was a shutoff
for that line in her basement. So I
merely turned it off there. After I was
finished, she explained how she knew that her neighbors were tapping into her
utilities:
Her parrot told her.
She called the next
day and as I was speaking to her, she said that she was so pleased with my work
that she wanted me to replace her furnace.
I explained to her that her furnace was in excellent condition and
didn’t need to be replaced. But as I
was explaining that to her, my wife accidentally picked up the extension phone,
and the woman became extremely agitated, yelling “They’re at it again! Now they’re into my phone line!”.
After seeing a brand
new furnace installation with numerous code violations during a no-heat call at
a new customer’s house, I asked the lady which company had done this
installation. She said:
“One of the nice
firemen who responded to my carbon monoxide complaint call. I paid him to come back and replace the
furnace when he was off duty, because he was an expert with fire.”
My son-in-law was
helping me install an AC unit at a customer’s house. The homeowner’s large, talking parrot was in his cage, which was
placed near the outside AC unit, and the parrot was intently watching us. I told my son-in-law a “parrot joke”, and my
son-in-law began to laugh. The parrot
in turn began to mimic him and laughed very loudly. And that was the day we almost laughed ourselves to death. It never stopped. When the 3 of us stopped laughing for a few seconds, somebody
(including the bird) would start laughing again. I can’t speak for the parrot, but my son-in-law and I had pulled
most of the muscles in our guts before it was over.