HVAC Humor

 

A few HVAC jokes and humorous things:

 

A skydiver is plummeting toward the ground and passes a man on his way up from the ground.  He yells:

“Do you know how to open a parachute?”

The person going up yells:

“No! Do you know how to light a pilot?”

 

“Delayed ignition” is the term used to describe the mini-explosion that occurs when it takes too long for the pilot or igniter to  ignite the gas.   The math formula for calculating the outcome is:

How many seconds the gas builds up in the chamber before igniting compared to how big the technician’s eyes get while waiting for it to ignite.

 

Fear of encountering snakes while crawling through the crawlspace under the house to get to the crawlspace furnace:

“A reptile dysfunction.”

 

HVAC tech to homeowner:

“Your furnace has a few problems.  But things could be a lot worse.”

Somewhat, relieved, the homeowner replies: “Oh, that’s good news.”

HVAC tech:

“I know.  It could be my furnace instead of yours.”

 

A bird in the hand is better than one stuck in the flue pipe.

 

Your credibility might be shot if:

You show up with your eyebrows burnt off.

Halfway through the call, you realize you’re at the wrong address.

You open your sliding truck door and it falls off in the customer’s driveway.

 

An elderly woman is looking out her window, watching a crew of gas men working.  The gas men are just finishing up their job and the younger ones challenge the older ones to a foot-race back to the truck.  As they near the truck, they see the elderly lady running behind them.  She tells them:

“When I see gas men running like that I know it’s time to get out!”

 

A customer’s new, computerized furnace stops working.  But each time the technician shows up, it works flawlessly.

The exasperated technician tells the customer:

“I had a car just like that.  Every time I drove it past the junk yard, it ran just fine”. 

 

The best air conditioning man in the world died and went to hell.  Satan thought he’d have some fun with him and gave him the impossible job of cooling off the temperature in Satan’s huge office.  To Satan’s amazement, he finished the job very quickly.  So Satan sent him out to drop the temperature in the rest of hell, and amazingly he got the temperature to drop a few degrees in the rest of hell – just enough to where the inhabitants of hell didn’t mind going there quite as much.  One day the phone rang and St. Peter told Satan that there had been a clerical mistake and the AC man belonged in heaven.  He’d been sent to hell by mistake, and must be sent back to heaven immediately.  Satan refused, explaining that the man was starting to make hell a bit more comfy.  St. Peter finally threatened to sue Satan if he didn’t send the man to heaven.

Satan replied: “Where are you going to find a lawyer up there?”

 

Why are computers like air conditioners?

They quit working properly when you open Windows.

 

She calls me when she’s hot

She calls me for no cause

She called me until I told her

The problem was menopause

 

“So you want to exchange this 5 ton rooftop AC unit for a smaller one?”

“Yes.”

“We just need your name and the reason”.

“Running Wolf”

“Flattened teepee”

 

Why did the 3 little pigs have to buy an electric furnace instead of a gas furnace?

The neighbors didn’t want to be near a swine flue.

 

Why did the customer fire the insulation company?

They told him they were putting batts in his walls.

 

What goes from 0 to 38 MPH in 1 second?

A mouse in a 12” diameter, 1075 RPM furnace blower wheel.

 

Chrysler used to make furnaces decades ago.  Some are still in use. 

Ford quit making the Pinto because it only lit one time.

 

Why did Burt Reynolds have his return air grille moved from the ceiling to the floor?

His toupee kept getting sucked up into it.

 

Why did the AC tech run toward the AC?

He was charging it.

 

Why did the AC man purge the refrigerant?

He was bulimic.

 

Why did the AC man cross the road?

He opened the AC and found a wasp’s nest in it.

 

Why don’t Chinese air conditioners contain lead?

Because they’re too big to fit in your mouth.

 

What’s the difference between a pipe fitting and a customer without heat?

A pipe nipple remains the same length.

 

Why is a drunken fortune teller like an AC?

Both are called “high SEER”.

 

How many legs does a furnace technician have?

It depends on how many spiders there are in the crawl space.

 

Why wouldn’t the AC cool the house?

The thermostat had one too many setbacks.

 

Why did the AC compressor sweat?

Because it had to run all day.

 

Why did the school get rid of the furnace?

It was caught smoking in the bathroom.

 

Why did the HVAC tech have licenses in different states?

He heard that Freon changes states.

 

Why did the AC trainee buy a box of Exlax?

He was told to evacuate the system.

 

What was the bird arrested for when he hopped out of the flue pipe?

Draft dodging.

 

What did the 5 ton, 25 SEER AC say to the owner after he put a cover over it?

“Does this cover make me look fat?”

 

How do you convert an air-source heat pump to a ground-source heat pump?

Install it in quicksand.

 

Customer: “My furnace makes a loud noise once in a while and I smell something funny.

Technician: “Sounds like it’s getting gas”.

 

Technician: “The good news is that a tornado didn’t take your 50 year old air conditioner away.

And that’s also the bad news.”

 

Technician: “Your outside unit’s in pretty bad shape and your dog has been pottying on it.”

Customer: “So I should train him not to do that?”

Technician: “No, just tell him that it’s redundant.”

 

Technician: “Your new dog appears to have an electrolyte deficiency.

He keeps biting the wiring to the outside unit.”

 

Technician: “How long has the AC not been working?”

Customer: “2 weeks”.

Technician: “Why did you wait 2 weeks to have it fixed?”

Customer: “My in-laws were here.  They were planning to stay for a month.”

 

Technician: (holding his nose) “You only have one return air grill in your house”.

Customer: “Is that a bad thing?”

Technician: “It wouldn’t be as bad if you moved the litter box away from it.”

 

Customer: “What brand is my furnace?”

Technician: “It’s an old Buster Brown – It’s brown on the top and busted on the bottom.”

 

Customer: “Why is it taking so long to fix my AC?”

Technician: “I had to park a block away and needed parts from the truck.”

Customer: “It shouldn’t have taken that long.”

Technician: “It wouldn’t have if your dog hadn’t been attached to my leg.”

 

The customer watched as the AC man lifted the hatch and poked his head up into the attic.

“What do you see?” asked the customer.

“Satan – dead of a heat stroke”.

 

Customer: “What are you doing?”

AC tech: “I’m charging the system.”

Customer: “So I don’t have to pay?”

 

Customer sticks his head out the back door and says:  “Did you find the problem yet?”

The AC tech looks down at the dog on his leg and says:  “No but I’m getting a hunch.”

 

The overhead heater manufacturing company’s sales were terrible.  The owner hired an ad agency to determine why.

The ad man recommended that they change the company name to something other than the owner’s name.  The owner asked him why, and he responded:

“Well, it’s a long story, Mr. Hindenburg.”

 

Customer: “How much does a ground-source heat pump cost to have installed?”

Salesman: “That depends on whether or not they strike oil when they excavate.”

 

Why did the repairman bring a bottle of syrup with him?

The unit had a pancake compressor.

 

Wife:  “Why did they send out a midget AC repairman?”

Husband:  “They didn’t.  Tuffy’s been digging holes in the yard again.”

 

The AC tech injected a red dye into the Freon system to find an ongoing leak.

A month later the customer called and said:

“You’d better come by.  I think its time of the month is here.”

 

The AC tech came back in from the outside unit with his face swollen from bee stings and said:

“I think I’ve located the source of that buzzing noise”.

 

Why did the setback thermostat in the church keep shorting out?

Every time it changed temperature settings, the priest threw holy water on it.

 

Customer: “I’m buying my parents a new AC.  They want the loudest one you have.”

Salesman: “Why?”

Customer: “They’re deaf and they hate the neighbors”.

 

Husband: “Your honor, my wife has made my life a living hell.”

Judge: “How did she do that?”

Husband: “She turned the thermostat up to 90!”

 

AC tech:  “You have 2 identical AC units.  The left one has a bad compressor and the right one only has a bad fan motor. 

I can take the fan motor out of the left one and put it in the right one.  So you’ll at least have one working unit.”

Undertaker customer:  “That’s quite helpful of you, but I don’t think we have a completed organ donor card for the left one.”

 

Customer service: “You’ve been here every week in the last few months returning the same setback thermostat model.  Did you read the installation instructions?”

Customer: “Yes, I read the instructions.  It’s guaranteed for a year and it’s a 7 day thermostat.”

 

There’s a new thermostat that prevents unauthorized persons from changing the temperature settings.

You have to enter an access code to change the settings. 

After 3 incorrect entries, it fires a taser.

 

They now have talking thermostats.  One model says:

“Not until you change the air filter”.

The Husband model says:

“I’ll get around to it later”.

The Wife model says:

“Not now.  I have a headache”.

The Police model says:

“STEP AWAY FROM THE THERMOSTAT”

The Psychiatrist model says:

“How long have you had the urge to keep changing the temperature?”

 

The new sign language thermostat for blind and deaf people has been recalled after several assaults were reported when the thermostat mistakenly thought the users were making an obscene gesture. 

 

Why did the tech divorce his 6’ tall, 100 pound wife after 1 week?

He discovered he couldn’t condenser.

 

Customer:  “It’s been a long time since I’ve had the AC serviced”.

Tech: “Yes, I could tell.  The fur from your black Labs had been in the condenser so long, it turned gray.”

 

What’s big and fuzzy and uses a lot of electricity?

An air conditioner next to a dryer vent.

 

Furnace technician after removing several cubic feet of brown fur from the return duct:

“Do you have a big family, Mr. Baer?”

 

AC technician after seeing the AC condenser flattened by baseballs:

“It looks like you need a replacement catcher”.

 

Why was the fan blade arrested?

It was hitting on the shroud.

 

Why were there red polka-dots all over the back of the house?

The house painter sat on the AC fan and got behind in his work.

 

What kind of makeup do furnace technicians use a lot of?

Eyebrow pencils.

 

Why did it take so long for the furnace part to arrive?

It was a very slow moving part.

 

Son:  “Daddy, a piece of metal just popped out of the AC installer’s skin and landed on the attic floor.”

Father:  “It’s okay son.  He just finished sweating a fitting”.

 

Leroy’s parole officer O’Malley dropped by his house to see how his cocaine rehab was coming along.

O’Malley:  “The last time I was here, there was like a cloud of white dust floating in the air.  Now it’s clean as a whistle in here”.

Leroy:  “Mmm um muh”.

O’Malley:  “I can’t understand you.  Could you take your face out of that old furnace filter?”.

 

Why were the indecent exposure charges dropped against the air conditioner?

Witnesses testified that it had been stripped by copper thieves.

 

Engineer to AC technician:  “Son, you don’t have to talk down to me.  I have a Master’s in mechanical engineering and 30 years experience.  Now what was the problem?”

Technician:  “You had the thermostat switch set for heat, sir”.

 

Woman customer:  “Thank you for removing your shoes before coming in from the back yard as I requested.  Are you all finished?”

AC technician:  “Yes Ma’am.”

Woman:  “But where are your shoes?”.

Technician:  “Your dogs have them.”

 

The senior technician is sent to repair a rooftop unit with the newly hired trainee.  They go up on the roof and a conversation begins:

Sr. tech:  “You’re a bit older than most of the trainees we get.  What did you do before this?”

Trainee:  “Well, actually nothing.  I’ve been in prison for the last 10 years”.

Sr. tech:  “For what?”

Trainee:  “Oh, I pushed a co-worker out of a window”.

 

Used car salesman customer:  “Well, I’m certain that my old furnace is still worth a lot of money.  But you aren’t giving me anything for it in trade.  You could make a lot of money off that unit.  Why you’re just stealing it without giving a trade-in.”

The furnace man looks at the gigantic old furnace and the steep stairs going up out of the basement and says:

 “You’re right.  Those old models are really priceless.  If you promise not to tell anybody, I’ll give you $25 to keep it.”

 

 

Layman’s HVAC glossary of terminology

 

Absolute humidity:  Like a sauna.

Adiabatic:  One who must avoid sweets.

Accumulator:  A packrat.

AFUE:  The number of furnaces tested at the factory.

Air conditioner pad:  AC incontinence protection.

Air grill:  A convection oven.

Air handler:  A slave who fans the queen.

Air source heat pump:  A hair dryer.

Air velocity pressure probe:  A dog with his head out the car window.

Back pressure:  Sensation felt while installing a 25 SEER AC unit.

Balance point:  One drink short of failing field sobriety test.

Bearing:  North or south.

Bimetal:  What we do at the sheet metal supply house.

Blower door testing:  Kicking the furnace panels.

Brazing:  Cooking a burger.

Breaker: Demolition man.

BTU:  (British Thermal Unit) Queen Elizabeth’s insulated tea carafe.

Calorimeter:  A device used by adiabatic.

Capacitor:  Used to determine a technician’s capacity for electrical shock.

Capillary:  A hat belonging to Larry.

Change of state:  Flee from Missouri to Kansas.

Charging cylinder:  A fast approaching torpedo.

Charging gauges:  Monthly credit card statements.

Chiller:  A scary movie.

Chimney flue:  What happened during a tornado.

Closed loop:  A know-it-all.

Coefficient of expansion:  Factor for determining the girth gained during menopause.

Cold air return:  Santa’s annual trip back to the North Pole.  (Also a suitable dwelling for elves.)

Contactor:  A telephone.

Counter flow:  Liquids spilled in the kitchen.

Cross charged:  Used somebody else’s credit card.

Current relay:  The race now being run.

Cut-in:  To butt into line ahead of others.

Cut-out:  Leave before the cops arrive.

Cylinder head:  An oddly shaped cranium.

Dalton’s Law:  Gang warfare.

Damper:  Wetter than usual.

Degree day:  Graduation.

Deice control:  De one labeled “ice” in a Jamaican hotel ice machine.

Delayed ignition:  Postponed NASA flight.

Design pressure:  An inventor’s stress to produce.

Design temperature:  Typically 98.6 degrees.

Dew point:  On the tops of the blades of grass.

Dilution air:  Open windows.

Discharge line:  Residue on your sleeve if you don’t have a Kleenex.

Draft diverter:  A flue pipe that empties into the attic after the roofers forgot to reattach it.

Draft gauge:  Beer level monitor.

Dry bulb:  Waterproof flashlight.

Dual fuel:  A plate of beans and a quart of coffee.

Ductulator:  Past tense:  “I avoided you after you installed the new AC, because I didn’t have the money.”

Duct collar:  A device used by hunters to summon their prey.

Economizer:  A very frugal person.

EER:  Auditory appendage lost while listening to the fan blade.

Electronic leak detector:  Alerts you when to change the diaper.

Electrostatic filter:  Device for eliminating radio interference.

Error code:  Erroneous furnace code displayed to technician by deranged furnace control board.

Evaporator:  One who vanishes into thin air when there’s work to be done.

Expansion valve:  An improperly winterized water hydrant.

External equalizer:  An unconcealed handgun.

Female thread:  A forum topic of interest to women.

Fin comb:  A device for grooming fish.

Fire damper:  Water.

Flare:  Placed behind a broken down 18-wheeler at night.

Flow through humidifier:  A humidifier with the guts removed.

Freon: A misnomer, i.e. something which is never free on your bill.

Frost back:  A drunk lying in the yard during an ice-storm.

Gas control valve:  A sphincter.

Geothermal:  A Geo Metro with no AC.

Gravity furnace:  A furnace that weighs a ton.

Ground source heat pump:  A volcano.

Ground wire:  An electrical conductor caught in a grinder.

Head pressure:  A migraine.

Heat anticipator:  A weather forecaster.

Heat exchanger:  A Jalapeno pepper.

High limit:  Legal blood-alcohol level.

High static:  Bad reception.

Hot surface igniter:  Charcoal lighter.

Hot wire:  Alternative to vehicle leasing.

Humidistat:  A wet hemostat.

Ice machine:  An air conditioner with a frozen coil.

Intermittent ignition:  Works only when observed.

Latent heat:  Hot flashes arriving later in life.

Load calculation:  Test done at the highway patrol truck weighing station.

LP gas:  Digestive disorder of nurses.

Manometer:  Device used by women to find and evaluate a potential mate.

Mass flow rate:  The number of people per minute entering or exiting a church.

Mercury bulb:  Headlight for a Ford product.

Mini Split:  Why Mickey Mouse is still single.

Megohm:  The sister of German physicist Georg Simon Ohm.

Natural gas:  Result of a natural food diet.

Normally closed:  The parts house when you need something.

Normally open:  Mother-in-law’s mouth.

Outside unit:  An outwardly protruding navel.

Passive media:  News for wimps.

Pillow block:  An evasive maneuver used during a pillow fight.

Pilot orifice:  An aviator’s pierced ear.

Pipe nipple:  A hook for holding a smoker’s pipe – Works best when both are cold.

Pipe union:  A labor organization.

Pocket thermometer:  Determines the temperature in your pocket.

Polyester oil:  Anti aging formula used by Polly Esther.

Portable AC:  An outside unit in the inner city.

Primary air:  The main inheritor.

Psych chart:  Medical history posted on clipboard attached to mental patient’s bed.

Recovery cylinder:  An iron lung.

Refrigerant:  A small insect in the refrigerator.

Secondary air:  Beneficiary of the primary air.

SEER ratings:  Reviews of psychics.

Sensible heat:  The temperature in a normal person’s house.

Setback stat:  A failure analysis component.

Shaft play:  A theatrical event starring Richard Roundtree.

Sheet metal:  Coins that fall out of your pockets when you go to bed drunk.

Short to ground:  A dwarf.

Sling psychrometer:  Test instrument dropped into a blower wheel.

Solenoid:  A solemn humanoid.

Specific gravity:  The seriousness of a crime as determined by a judge.

Split system:  An outside unit struck by an axe.

Squirrel cage:  Ferris wheel ride for rodents.

Standing pilot:  An aviator who quit drinking.

Static pressure:  Stress from critics.

Sub-cooling:  Air conditioning system for a submersible ship.

Suction line:  An arrow drawn on a patient prior to liposuction.

Superheat:  Radiant emission from Superman’s eyes.

System purge:  Act performed in the all-you-can-eat buffet bathroom to get your money’s worth.

Thermal mass:  Religious ceremony in a church with a broken air conditioner.

Thermocouple:  Two very hot people.

Thumb gum:  Destination of spearmint just prior to being placed on underside of table.

Transformer:  Cross-dresser.

Transition:  A halfway house.

Tubing bender:  Forklift operator at the AC warehouse.

Turning vane:  Becoming conceited.

Vapor barrier:  A diaper.

Vacuum pump:  A woman’s shoe caught in the sweeper.

Variable air volume control:  An electric car window.

Water source heat pump:  Hot water tap.

Wet bulb:  A flashlight dropped in the lake.

Window AC:  A high voltage theft deterrent device in a jewelry store window.

 

Poems and limericks

 

We heard our furnace man Seth

Mutter curses under his breath

And my husband Hank

Heard him call it a “blank”

And threaten it with death

 

To fix our furnace he came

He had a French sounding name

He said “sacre bleu”

“I truly love you”

And explained it was an old flame

 

Is it hot enough for you

They asked the AC man Hugh

Who said I’m thinking  

My comfort’s shrinking

But my wallet’s expanding too

 

This is not a hot water heater

The tech informed Mr. Reeder

If the water was hot

Then you would not

Need this thing to be there

 

This overabundance of heat

I feel when crossing the street

On this sweltering day

Prompted me to say

It’s as hot as a Hindu’s feet

 

The laws of Physics mandate

That cold air will flow from this grate

But that won’t happen

If the blower is nappin

And folks will become irate

 

I did a home inspection

Down by the next intersection

I told the sellers

They’d used the wrong fellers

To wire the electric connection

 

My outside unit’s brand new

But my inside coil’s 32

To my dismay

It runs all day

For I should have replaced the coil too

 

The drunk turned the thermostat dial

And it ran for a very long while

It got so hot

The pickled sot

Scorched his feet on the tile

 

Your filter’s a very odd size

Said the furnace man Mr. Frize

They’re hard to come by

And that’s just why

The folks who did this are wise

 

As the battle over the stat

Continued with Mary and Matt

She beat him with mops

So he called the cops

And picked up his flattened hat

 

I see on my lawn over there

A bare spot perfectly square

But now I see

What’s missing is the

Unit for my central air

 

He lit up his brand new torch

Out on the lady’s front porch

The flame came out wrong

It was far too long

And it left a really big scorch

 

If you switch part A with part B

And they don’t match identically

You can get into trouble

And might see a bubble

And it might be time to flee

 

How much duct can you tuck in a truck

And be able to pluck a tucked duct

I’ve had no luck for my duct tucking sucks

And bent up ducts cost me bucks

 

The tornado dropped down from the sky

My old AC did fly

It fell to the ground

With no-one around

At a junkyard located nearby

 

The heater was running hot

But it was only hot in one spot

So the clever young fellows

Roasted marshmallows

And didn’t mind it a lot

 

A 90 year old bloke in a cloak

Didn’t care that the AC was broke

He liked it quite hot

And more often than not

When he walked he left trails of smoke

 

Mr. Olson loved to fight

Over the repair bill all night

When he got something free

He’d giggle with glee

And dance a jig of delight

 

Do you think you can repair

My ancient central air?

If it just needs a fan

Then maybe I can

If they still make a fan so rare

 

The furnace came to a stop

Then the temperature started to drop

The house got so chilly

The goldfish named Willie

Is now being used for a prop

 

The Chihuahua went after the AC tech

Who grabbed him by the scruff of his neck

And said listen here

I’ll bite off your ear

If you don’t show a little respect

 

The furnace asked the AC

What it did when it had to pee

I go on the ground

When no-one’s around

And hope nobody will see

 

Where’s the thermostat at?

Asked the man in the HVAC hat

Second door down the hall

In the bathroom stall

Said the maintenance man who installed that

 

2 tons of cooling is needed

If the occupancy isn’t exceeded

But you’ll need more

If you don’t close the door

Or tempers start to get heated

 

If you don’t come quick I will die

It’s so hot in here I could fry

I took your advice

And sat on some ice

But it melted in the blink of an eye

 

An AC man in crawl space

Encountered a snake face to face

They looked at each other

Both yelled for their mother

And scurried away in haste

 

The AC men from Gower

Waited for Mrs. Bauer

But they didn’t fret

That she hadn’t shown yet

Because they charge by the hour

 

The tech cut his hand on the duct

And started to yell “Oh ____!”

But a lady was there

So he didn’t swear

He just bled and said “Oh shucks”.

 

There was an old tech from Decatur

Who looked like an alligator

He retired to the Glades

Where he currently wades

And plays with his ductulator

 

Get out - get out of my house

Said the furnace to the mouse

If you don’t get out

I’ll burn your snout

And singe your bushy eyebrows

 

I can’t afford that said Leo

The wealthy old CEO

He asked in a shout

“Can’t you bail me out?”

To the HVAC man in Rio.

 

I’m sorry Mr. McGirty

But you’re 14 times past 30

I’ll fix the AC

But you must pay me

Before I get my hands dirty

 

The flame sensor said to the flame

It’s all your fault you’re to blame

You failed to light

During the night

But I’ll be accused just the same

 

We’ll nap til 1:42

Then we’ll fly back out of the flue

Said the blue jay to his mate

But they both woke up late

And both had turned black and blue

 

The hack came back every day

Our hearts were filled with dismay

Then the furnace went boom

When the gas filled the room

And the hack blew away to L.A.

 

The AC man McGuire

Decided to retire

He went someplace where

The weather was fair

And he no longer had to perspire

 

I think I’ll go shopping with Jill

At the air conditioned mall down the hill

The temp isn’t dropping

And I can’t watch home shopping

Til I pay the electric bill

 

Is it hot or is it just me

Asked Satan of his favorite three

It’s safe to say

You made it that way

Said the one with the law degree

 

My “Smart Furnace” started to speak

It didn’t shut up for a week

I kicked the side

“Stop that” it cried

And then it started to shriek

 

I want to go out back and play

But the AC man’s back there today

Last time he was here

I bit his rear

And he told them to keep me away

 

A spider got in the contactor

Said the air conditioner contractor

It couldn’t connect

Through the insect

But it really did compact her

 

I’m calling you to say

That my air flow is better today

It blows with such power

It took me an hour

To catch up with my toupee

 

The AC wasn’t tied down

It fell from the truck to the ground

On the midtown freeway

Late yesterday

But the copper was never found

 

Come quick Santa’s caught in our flue

Cried the curly haired lad of two

His leg is broke

The young lad spoke

And my daddy is missing too

 

The furnace up in the attic

Is missing the schematic

It’s been rewired

By someone they hired

And their work was problematic

 

Don’t put your hand on the flue

Said the tech to Mr. Wu

Wu’s English was poor

And now he’s sure

To need a bandage or two

 

This is really ticking me off

Said the furnace man Mr. Hoff

Each time I arrive

It comes alive

But as soon as I leave it shuts off

 

His heating bills are free

So’s his electricity

But he does have debt

He hasn’t paid yet

His debt to society

 

A furnace man from Missouri

Sneaked back to his truck in a hurry

He’d been exposed

When the duct ripped his clothes

At the home of Mrs. Murray

 

A customer left me the key

To service her AC

But she didn’t disarm

The burglar alarm

Unfortunately for me

 

The rooftop AC they say

Still isn’t working said they

That just couldn’t be

But now I see

I fixed the wrong one yesterday

 

I have some help I don’t need

Said the furnace man Mr. Sneed

Your kids are yelling

Your dogs are smelling

My crotch and one of them’s peed

 

The litter box is usually

Near the furnace in front of me

They must like to share

The odors from there

With the furnace man’s olfactory

 

My title is PHD

Yet I don’t fix my own AC

I tried it before

And it cost me more

And it bit me electrically

 

He wrote with limited skill

As he filled out the furnace bill

I fix up you flues

Use metal screws

So flue gas no more spill

 

The wiring of handyman Mitch

Created an odd sort of glitch

When you walked up a flight

And turned off the light

It shut off the furnace switch

 

Don’t call me “Plumber Joe”

I don’t wear my pants that low

You might see my back

But I hide my crack

And use Freon instead of Drano

 

Her AC was such a wreck

Each month she wrote them a check

She hatched a plan

And brought home a man

Who by trade was as an AC tech

 

In the yard they did bore

A very large core

Geothermal you say?

Said Mr. Cray

I think that goes next door

 

I have some information

Regarding your insulation

The R, Mrs. Farr

Is far from par

So the AC gets no vacation

 

Be careful with your feet

He told the AC man Pete

If you track any poo

In on your shoe

My wife will paddle your seat

 

It was like the 4th of July

There was popping and sparks did fly

It didn’t go well for

The do-it-yourselfer

When his AC started to fry

 

My furnace still whistles at me

I’m a widow of 93

So I told Dan

My furnace man

Don’t fix it – just leave it be

 

My furnace makes a sound

But not when the tech is around

He thinks I’m insane

But we both maintain

Something’s coming unwound

 

A crawl-space system wizard

Did a repair during a blizzard

But happy was he

For he didn’t see

Nary a single lizard

 

A heat pump with brains of three

Blew a fuse repeatedly

But none confessed

All passed the test

For they had 2 brains more than me

 

He studied HVAC

And earned his PHD

But he wasn’t hired

For no one required

A doctor to fix their AC

 

A furnace tech named Jay

Came out of the crawl space today

His head was bald

Back in he crawled

To fetch his missing toupee

 

Inside the icemaker grew

A hideous slimy goo

It looked like a large

Nasal discharge

With a dash of brown fondue

 

They painted their AC with stripes

They even painted the pipes

How lucky can I be

They’ll never see me

Said the prison escapee Snipes

 

The globe is warming up well

Life’s good and everything’s swell

I’ve packed up my things

To move to Hot Springs

Said Satan from down in hell

 

My HVAC site is online

I’m busy as a cat with twine

The phone rings all day

When I answer they say

Your business needs ads from mine

 

An AC man named DeClark

Was the fastest tech in Denmark

He came home at night

And turned out the light

And dozed off before it got dark

 

If you buy an AC from me

I’ll throw in a furnace free

And we know that you

Will love your new

$9,000 AC

 

An alien HVAC tech

Emerged from his UFO wreck

He touched an AC

Made it cool for free

So the power company broke his neck

 

His business of heating and air

Seemed to be going nowhere

So he sold all his Freon

Was no longer a peon

And now was a millionaire

 

My HVAC man is great

He’s never a minute late

He saves me money

He’s really a honey

But he never asks me for a date

 

An AC tech named Howell

Had breath that was terribly foul

He backed Mrs. Rouse

All over the house

Til she covered her nose with a towel

 

An Alaskan tech named Drew

Got the heater working like new

But he left the stat

On 90 and that

Caused it to melt the igloo

 

The tech told Mr. Klein

Your furnace is working just fine

When you turn it down

Your wife comes around

And moves it to 79

 

A flock of birds follows me

As I move from AC to AC

Like bombardiers

They aim for my ears

So I bought a sombrero you see

 

An AC tech named Quick

Did a lightning fast diagnostic

He hung up his gauges

And performs on stages

As a highly paid psychic

 

Back to the parts house I ran

To pick up the proper fan

This time I’ll wait

For the parts man Nate

Instead of the new trainee Dan

 

Twas a red hot 4th of July

I was busy as a spy with one eye

I told Mr. Gray

Twas not the best day

To practice his DIY

 

Jack ran all the stat wires in black

For colored wires he did lack

But he didn’t care

That colors weren’t there

For quite color blind was Jack

 

The fan goes ding ding ding

Said the buffet owner, Ching

When the tech looked in there

He said I declare

That rat took quite a beating

 

It’s so cold in here said O’Toole

My hiney froze to the stool

The furnace man Joe

Said sir did you know

Your thermostat’s set to cool

 

Back to back they walked 20 paces

Turned and fired at each other’s faces

Both shots missed

But 2 AC’s hissed

As gas spewed out of their cases

 

The undertaker honked in the drive

At the house of furnace man Clive

Clive said no way

Can’t do it today

I’m booked up til Friday at five

 

I got my AC for free

For they wrote to me recently

Dear Mr. Wren

We won’t ask again

For you to send the money

 

An astronaut named Peter

Walked in space and met Mr. Streeter

Who’d used an ember

Last November

To light his gas water heater

 

As a very old AC man

In a very old AC van

Repaired the AC

At the mortuary

They suggested a burial plan

 

He made her AC work for ages

She called him the sage of sages

One summer it died

And Mrs. Hyde

Assaulted him with his gauges

 

No resuscitation for me

I’ll go out with dignity

Tubes and wires

Are not my desires

Said the old and tired AC

 

The AC of Mr. Cabot

Developed a Freon habit

It needed its fix

Friday at 6

But Cabot said to rehab it

 

If it breaks down again Bob swore

It’s going out the door

The furnace man Ted

Said that’s what you said

In 1974

 

What’s the forecast today

The AC man asked his wife May

Baseball size hail

Winds like a gale

It’s a honey-do day for you Ray

 

They called them Frick and Frack

For they had to keep coming back

Then Frack said to Frick

AC’s make me sick

Let’s go back to painting with Jack

 

The Heating Hall of Fame

Has no plaque that bears his name

But Mr. Eckerd

Holds the world record

For most hairs singed by a flame

 

He hooked the red to the white

The furnace clicked and did light

He went to bed

Woke up and said

I sweat like a pig last night

 

A DIY’s hesitation

Is an instinct of self preservation

Like Eastwood said

To the man who lay dead

A man’s got to know his limitations

 

A furnace board costing 250

Died to save a fuse costing 3

The courageous board

Received an award

Issued posthumously

 

I don’t understand techno-speak

From the beak of a furnace geek

Go down and repair it

Said the irritable parrot

Before I freeze off my beak

 

My AC man Mr. Ridge

Gave me magnets for the fridge

But I couldn’t use them

For my husband Clem

Has a metal dental bridge

 

Is there someone down there with you

She asked the furnace man Lou

Ma’am it’s no discussion

I was just cussin’

She said yeah we cuss at it too

 

They heard the gas man say oops

None of them finished their soups

Out they fled

Then the gas man said

The oops meant I’d stepped in poops

 

The DEA searched the house twice

At the home of AC man Dice

Then out on the ground

Near the AC they found

Ten white nosed spaced out mice

 

This AC’s no smarter than me

Said the professor of HVAC

It won the first set

But it’s not over yet

I’ll show it my college degree

 

I’m sorry for our little tiffs

Said the AC to Mr. Griffs

Who drove as he said

Look what’s ahead

The Grand Canyon has some great cliffs

 

My AC goes klitter clatter

It used to go pitter patter

I told my son Paul

To stop playing ball

With the AC as the batter

 

An ice plant run by Peter

Used no power through the meter

The electric company

Caught him and he

Was put in a cell with no heater

 

He cursed at furnace tech Will

Who responded by raising the bill

As of late last night

No end was in sight

And the bill was at half a mil

 

A man’s on my stoop in the rain

Says he’s here to unclog my drain

But he doesn’t fool me

For I’m certain that he

Came from Mars to devour my brain

 

Our gravity furnace quit perking

So we called the furnace man Dierking

He saw it and said

Call my grandpa Ed

He’ll fix it if his tools are still working

 

I shot an arrow in the air

It fell to Earth I know where

It landed on

My neighbors lawn

After piercing his central air

 

As Vern watched the fan blade turn

The AC hypnotized Vern

We heard him cluck

As he left in his truck

But his words we couldn’t discern

 

Will this new AC cool me

If I live to 103

That it should do

You’re 102

And you came with no warranty

 

One of the fan blades was missing

And I heard the condenser hissing

If I can pull that

Rabbit from a hat

My rear someone should be kissing

 

The mechanical room at the mall

Had a blower 20 feet tall

As I opened the door

My hat did soar

And shot out of a vent down the hall

 

90 stickers were on the duct

No place there for mine to be stuck

But I didn’t care

For I was aware

That it brought the last 90 no luck

 

The AC repairman King

Hit a bump in his semi last spring

He had hundreds of carts

With thousands of parts

And now he can’t find a thing

 

The Freon your AC takes

Was banned last year said Rakes

Because they say

That out near L.A.

They were starting to have earthquakes

 

I’m here at 10:08

I showed up 8 minutes late

Said the AC man Vaughan

They’re already gone

But their pit bull decided to wait

 

There are smudges all over your shirt

Were you out playing in the dirt

No ma’am said Dan

The AC man

That’s chocolate pudding dessert

 

The furnace tech Sloppy Joe

Made a mess wherever he’d go

He spilled petroleum

On the linoleum

And put on a break dancing show

 

She told IAQ man Roan

I’m allergic to everything known

She listed dozens

Including her cousins

But obviously not to the phone

 

Our furnace man Mr. Dow

Asked our son how old he was now

Johnny said three

Then asked earnestly

Where Dow kept his other eyebrow

 

Why do I never lose

This Chinese wrench pondered Hughes

When I throw it away

It shows up the next day

To give my knuckles a bruise

 

The short straw was drawn by McClure

So they sent him out to cure

The ailing AC

At the company

That packages horse manure

 

A neighbor down the block

Bought two furnaces made in Bangkok

He bought a spare

For he knew that there

Were not any parts in stock

 

The window AC on 3

Was attached improperly

It fell 30 feet

And broke the seat

Of a convertible Mercury

 

A resourceful man was he

Who tinkered with my AC

He was not a technician

But had the ambition

Unfortunately for me

 

The HVAC man Blake

Rebuilt his left front brake

Later that night

It pulled to the right

And his truck wound up in the lake

 

I don’t have that part with me

Said the furnace man Mr. D.

If they ship it by air

It should arrive there

Next week from Rome Italy

 

She found this piece on the ground

After her AC broke down

She asked the tech Reece

Who said that piece

Came from the rear of a hound

 

I don’t like that look on your face

She said to the furnace ace

Who said you’re right

I was wrong last night

To eat at the Mexican place

 

The wedding was truly serene

For the AC man and Marlene

There was no alcohol

At the reception hall

But I heard there was ethylene

 

The system was state of the art

The modules were very smart

The manuals for it

Barely fit

Into a shopping cart

 

The bankruptcy judge said I see

The company’s named after thee

I therefore decree

A bankruptcy

For A. Crook’s HVAC

 

The pager of AC tech Frye

Was quite active last July

In the waiting room

Of Dr. Bloom

Who said your BP looks high

 

You’re an hour late she said

So I just called AC man Ed

I said that’s great

But he’ll also be late

For your clocks are an hour ahead

 

My HVAC man said

Your AC shut off on high head

He said there’s enough

Cottonwood fluff

In the coils to make a bedspread

 

Don’t touch that switch over there

If you do it will summon a bear

Grandma that’s silly

Said little Billy

It calls up the furnace man Blair

 

I’m returning this setback said Cox

For what reason asked Mr. Fox

It was DOA

So I guess you could say

It couldn’t think out of the box

 

The fortune teller said

Hot times lie just ahead

I was so elated

I ran home and waited

And found my AC was dead

 

My AC was shaped like a wedge

Like a doorstop it came to an edge

I’m thinking that they

Made it that way

To deflect the blows from my sledge

 

There is no filter in there

Everything’s full of dog hair

I’ll need a mower

To find the blower

And I don’t see the coils anywhere

 

The AC repairman bloke

Said all I know is it’s broke

I’ll tell you more

But not before

You’ve removed all that poison oak

 

The level of water rose

It reached the top of his toes

It would not stop

For a case of his pop

Was on top of the condensate hose

 

The handyman Mr. Winer

Ran his flue to the clay chimney liner

Acids ate through

The mortar and flue

Now he eats and sleeps at the diner

 

I’ll go check the attic pilot

Said our landlady Mrs. Violet

As she straddled a beam

We heard her scream

So we punched 911 and dialed it

 

We don’t care ‘bout no stinkin codes

Cause we ain’t no scholars from Rhodes

We got no insurance

For no mishap occurrence

When some sucker’s furnace explodes

 

Everybody looks down on me

Said a New York tech of AC

So the very best place

For my truck sign to face

Is up for all to see

 

The thermostatic expansion device

Was encased in a ball of ice

So the handyman Vic

Fetched his ice pick

And tripled the repair price

 

The stairs were piled high with stuff

So the furnace man Mr. Huff

Chose the laundry chute

For his travel route

But the trip back out was tough

 

As he opened the basement door           

The furnace man met Igor

Igor come get your treat

Said Mrs. Wheat

And be sure you clean up the floor

 

Our AC man Mr. Cole

Stepped into a doggie hole

He took out his cell

And called my wife Belle

Who brought out a rescue pole

 

You’re here for a second opinion

Said the rabbi to Mr. McKinyan

Who examined the furnace

And said in earnest

My advice is to form a minyan

 

I trust you implicitly

To repair my broken AC

But I’ll be here with you

Until you are through

For I don’t trust my wife with thee

 

This condenser that carries the Freon

Is corroding said tech Dion

It’s life will be over

Unless you find Rover

An alternate object to pee on

 

Oh please Mr. AC guy

I’m sorry about last July

When I sneaked away

And didn’t pay

Please don’t leave me high and dry

 

My AC has a disease

That causes the parts to seize

It’s a form of arthritis

From those who supplied us

With all things labeled Chinese

 

A tech from Overland Park

Created a very large spark

And since that affair

He’s refused to repair

An AC in the dark

 

Which AC is the best

He asked the tech Mr. West

Who said it is called

The one not installed

By those who are worse than the rest

 

Why do they always pick me

To fix that place’s AC

The other tech Stubbs

Gets sent to strip clubs

And I get the mortuary

 

My impatience is truly peaking

As I listen to hear that squeaking

I can only hear

Out of one ear

And in it she won’t stop speaking

 

My gorgeous new central air

Was made with artistic flair

She looks so nice

I’ve hugged her twice

And bought her a gown to wear

 

The man who lives down the street

Is known as helpful Pete

But things got scary

With his neighbor Larry

When Pete tried to fix his heat

 

It took me a little while

To find your AC Mr. Lyle

It looked like a mass

Of clippings of grass

Resembling a compost pile

 

The furnace man Mr. Baker

Had a chat with Mr. Huntsaker

He said let’s face it

It’s time to replace it

Or you’ll pay the undertaker

 

The gas line in your abode

Failed to comply with code

Which might explain why

You flew through the sky

And landed way down the road

 

The path to the furnace was narrow

Through the basement of Mr. Ferro

The furnace man sighed

And said I’m too wide

There’s only room for a sparrow

 

I’m on a fixed income said Stein

The millionaire off of State Line

The AC man Blair

Said I’ll charge you what’s fair

If you’ll tell me how to fix mine

 

The AC man Mr. Carter

Truly loved to barter

He traded his labor

For the wife of his neighbor

But now he’d like to discard her

 

Our furnace man Mr. Stout

Does not let our cats get out

To the door they race

And come face to face

With his water cannon spout

 

The external static pressure

Was high as the meter could measure

So we opened the duct

And in it was tucked

A previous occupant’s treasure

 

What was your prior vocation

They asked on the application

The big guy wrote wrestler

They hired Mr. Kessler

For 25 SEER installation

 

I’m not a magical man

I’m just a tech in a van

I don’t have the voodoo

To make stew from doo doo

It just isn’t part of the plan

 

I don’t know why it broke down

I’m not on that side of town

This is AC man Paul

Were you trying to call

The number of Sylvia Browne

 

The customer’s always right

Was the motto of AC man White

But he changed his motto

When he met Otto

Who told him he wasn’t too bright

 

Our furnace man Mr. Bickel

Showed up on an old bicycle

The cost was too heavy

To gas up his Chevy

And this was a greener vehicle

 

The cost to fix your AC

Just went up to 203

One more blonde joke

And you’ll be broke

Said the blonde lady tech to he

 

I don’t believe we sell

A window AC built for hell

The climate’s too hot

And there’s probably not

A window in that hotel

 

A rooftop tech named Alfredo

Was the fastest tech in Laredo

He’d jump to the ground

Then he’d rebound

For his shoes were full of Play-Dough

 

A tech from Montreal

Played a game of fetch the ball

As he threw in the towel

The dog did growl

And chased him over the wall

 

He smiled and paid twice my fee

And then he explained to me

You’re the second man here

The first to appear

Said I needed a new AC

 

We wanted someone much taller

They said to Shorty Waller

But they had him report

When they found they were short

A crawl space furnace installer

 

An AC man from France

Drove an old ambulance

But he got jailed

When his siren wailed

As he sped past officer Nance

 

Our furnace man in St. Louis

Said he’d be late getting to us

We said don’t worry

There’s no need to hurry

We’re drinking our hot Kahluas

 

The warranty doesn’t back it

In the event that you attack it

But it should be all right

For the people in white

Are arriving with your straight jacket

 

A furnace man from Oak Grove

Dropped his cigarette as he drove

He felt a sear

Under his rear

And out of the truck he dove

 

A humidifier in Prairie Village

At the home of Mr. Milledge

Was installed in the attic

To relieve the static

But it froze and created a spillage

 

The HVAC tech Manny

Had a memory quite uncanny

He was not good with faces

Or counting aces

But he never forgot a fanny

 

The AC man Mr. Rime

Had a thing about selling his time

He’d frequently say

You’re in my way

That’ll cost you another dime

 

A tech from Arkansas

Got the AC coil to thaw

He cranked up the heat

Then stood in the street

At the home of his mother-in-law

 

A furnace man named Cole

Always had an ace in the hole

But we heard a report

That his luck fell short

And his hair had to pay the toll

 

Down in Mississippi

There was a loud yippee

When from the duct

The AC tech plucked

The wandering gerbil, Skippy

 

That isn’t a good idea

Said the tech to Mr. Garcia

That AC’s too heavy

To load in a Chevy

Much less on the roof of your Kia

 

I was sitting on the stool

Said the do-it-yourselfer, Newell

The furnace went WOOF

And I went through the roof

And came down in my swimming pool

 

A gas man from Gibraltar

Was chased by a dog named Walter

When they reached the wall

The man didn’t stall

For he was a former pole vaulter

 

Count the fingers you see

He told the tech Dundee

Who said maybe four

I’ll tell you more

When you pull the AC off me

 

All day his cellphone would bring

Calls from those who would not say a thing

So he saved their numbers

To a group called bumblers

And assigned the group no ring

 

I found something lumpy and wavy

In the AC drain said Davy

It was gooey and thick

The sight made me sick

And I lost my craving for gravy

 

In front of our furnace he sat

In a Davy Crockett hat

We said hold still

And with gentle skill

We pulled from his head our cat

 

A furnace man from Brazil

Had plenty of time to kill

So he taught his parrot

To say we’ll repair it

After dialing the phone with his bill

 

Your wiring’s getting too hot

For the proper gauge it is not

You’ll need no AC

For soon there will be

Only an empty lot

 

An AC man named Trent

Did a tune-up under a tent

When a wind quite strong

Came along

It became an uncovered event

 

A delivery man named McBride

Did HVAC on the side

But the cost of dissecting

And then correcting

His work was so high we cried

 

If you tell me what’s wrong on the phone

I can fix it on my own

I really doubt that

Said Dr. Blatt

For your field is AC not bone

 

The toboggan was really fast

Everyone else I passed

I zoomed past Peter

And saw the gas meter

And later he signed my cast

 

 

Tombstone inscriptions:

 

Here lies the body of gasman Dwight

Found the leak with a match last night

 

Here lies AC man, Mr. Cass

He made it to 90, then ran out of gas

 

Here lies the body of feeble minded Leon

Switched his inhaler with a bottle of Freon

 

Here lies the body of the ice man, our dear

The ladies all loved him - and that’s why he’s here.

 

 

 

Real life HVAC dramas:

 

A church account of mine sold their building and moved to another location.  They called with an emergency situation: The AC was broke in the large reception hall at the new location and they had a big wedding scheduled there.  I quickly diagnosed the problem.  That entire floor was built with no air conditioning.  They never had the building inspected before buying it.

 

A distraught customer called and said I had left him the wrong air filters for his furnace.  They were 20” by 25” filters, and his furnace uses a 25” by 20” filter.  Obviously I said “turn it around”. 

 

Got a call from an auto parts store in a bad part of town.  The owner said the outside unit was tripping the circuit breaker in the store immediately each time he reset it.  He called back a few minutes later, and said:

“Never mind.  I found the problem.  Somebody cut the wires and stole the outside unit”.

 

I pulled into a new customer’s driveway, took out my tools and armed my truck alarm with the remote.  I turned around and noticed that the customer was coming out of the garage to “greet” me.  But instead of “greeting” me, he wanted to know how and why I had opened his opened his garage door!  It turned out to be an incredible coincidence that his electric garage door opener was on the exact same frequency as my truck alarm!  Every time I pushed the remote button on my truck alarm, it opened or closed his garage door.  This was the only time this ever happened to me.

 

I once serviced a furnace in a dark basement where the furnace was installed with the front of it facing a wall less than 2 feet away.  So I had to slide in, scrunch down and sit on the floor with my legs crossed to service it.  The furnace was elevated a couple of inches off the floor on bricks.  I felt something touch my crotch and saw a large rodent staring up at me.  I let out a blood-curdling scream and tried, but couldn’t escape.

Luckily it turned out to be the renter’s pet ferret.  He’d slid under furnace to visit me and check out my work.

 

Had a call from a lady who was frantic, because she was absolutely certain that her neighbors on the other side of her half-duplex were tying into her utilities.  She wanted me to remove her gas line from the common-wall of the duplex and reroute it to a different location.  I immediately discovered that the only part of her gas line in the common wall was for her fireplace starter, which she never used.  Luckily there was a shutoff for that line in her basement.  So I merely turned it off there.  After I was finished, she explained how she knew that her neighbors were tapping into her utilities:

Her parrot told her.

She called the next day and as I was speaking to her, she said that she was so pleased with my work that she wanted me to replace her furnace.  I explained to her that her furnace was in excellent condition and didn’t need to be replaced.  But as I was explaining that to her, my wife accidentally picked up the extension phone, and the woman became extremely agitated, yelling “They’re at it again!  Now they’re into my phone line!”. 

 

After seeing a brand new furnace installation with numerous code violations during a no-heat call at a new customer’s house, I asked the lady which company had done this installation.  She said: 

“One of the nice firemen who responded to my carbon monoxide complaint call.  I paid him to come back and replace the furnace when he was off duty, because he was an expert with fire.”

 

My son-in-law was helping me install an AC unit at a customer’s house.  The homeowner’s large, talking parrot was in his cage, which was placed near the outside AC unit, and the parrot was intently watching us.  I told my son-in-law a “parrot joke”, and my son-in-law began to laugh.  The parrot in turn began to mimic him and laughed very loudly.  And that was the day we almost laughed ourselves to death.  It never stopped.  When the 3 of us stopped laughing for a few seconds, somebody (including the bird) would start laughing again.  I can’t speak for the parrot, but my son-in-law and I had pulled most of the muscles in our guts before it was over. 

 

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